The Eighteenth Week - Merry Christmas!

I have to apologize for being a few days late this week. We just returned home last night after spending 7 days of Christmas bliss with family. Therefore, I will leave you with pictures of our fun times and bow out on the monologue this week. For next week, we will have quite the good news to share. Stay tuned!

Sweet Potato
You say potato, I saw potatahto! And say, have you been hiccuping down there lately? According to your developmental timeline, you are doing all kinds of baby things now, from sucking your thumb, to yawning, to hiccuping. There are times where I feel a consistent popping from you, and I'm guessing that it's you and your hiccups.

We are so excited to see you in less than a week, peanut! We have been so eager for your arrival that we have been putting your room together - we even have your crib set up already (your sister has already test-driven it, too!). Even though we know you have another 22 weeks of growing and maturing to do, we just can't help but picture our lives with you in it. So keep growing, moving, and shaking down there, peanut. We love you!

Symptoms - 17 Weeks

I thought this might be a good opportunity to talk about the pregnancy symptoms I've been having lately, as I haven't touched on them in awhile.

Nausea. The nausea has definitely let up, but there are residual effects that still pop up every now and then. After a bought with the stomach flu last weekend, my nausea came crashing back for a week. Now, it is leveling off once again and I am able to eat without hesitation at just about any time of the day. And, I can (and will) eat just about anything.

Round Ligament Pain. I have also been having some significant round ligament pain, which I have been told is very common in subsequent pregnancies. Basically, it is just shooting pain around the abdomen (where the round ligament is located).

Headaches. When not pregnant, I may get a headache once a quarter, if that. Lately, I've been getting them everyday. I'm avoiding medicine, but not for any other reason than me being stubborn. Chai Lattes seem to cure them very well.

The Show Stopper. Finally, my familiar friend, constipation, is causing some problems once again. The iron supplement I have to take is only making the 8-car pile-up worse. However, I have found ways to combat it - beans and fruit!

Acne. I can't decide if I'm having issues or if I'm just used to my teenage skin. Looking back at Lidia's blog, I definitely do not have it as bad as I did with her. And if I do get it, it seems to clear up pretty quickly - and my concealer helps, too. :)

Mood. I'm pretty dry lately. Perhaps its just the grayness of the days, the pitch black at 5 o'clock, or my exhaustion, but my mood has hit the downward slope faster that an Olympic tobogganer. One day I'm up, the next day I'm down. One day nothing bothers me, and the next day I'm irritated at a person who doesn't say "thank you" after I held the door for her.

Boobs. They're big. And they're sore. The only one who isn't complaining is Jason. Definitely didn't have this with Lidia. Does it mean that it's a boy? Or maybe that's just what happens with baby #2. Hopefully this means my milk will come in quicker this time around!

Overall, when I'm not too tired to hold my head up, I am doing pretty well. The symptoms that I do have aren't so bad that they interfere with my daily routine. Some days are better than others - hell, some weeks are better than others. I'm not going to complain, though, because it's all a part of this beautiful miracle that is baby peanut.

Tearing Up

Baby peanut, we had an awesome doctor's appointment on Monday with you. While we didn't get another ultrasound, we did schedule the most important ultrasound of this pregnancy. And get this - it's in 2 weeks! In 2 weeks we will find out your gender and we will be able to start calling you by name (and by proper pronoun!). We are so excited and have decided to have your big sister be a part of this momentous day, too. Make sure you wave to us!

You have been quite the mover lately! This past week was the first week I could, without a doubt, feel you moving. It happens several times a day - mostly after I have eaten and I am sitting or laying down. Your movements bring the biggest smile to my face! It's all I need to feel to reassure me that you are doing perfectly down there.

The big things that are happening to you this week are stronger bones and fat build-up. This explains why I can now feel you move so well - you're putting some meat on those bones!

Finally, I'll close by saying that the doctor listened to your heartbeat this week at our appointment. As she listened to your heartbeat, I watched her facial expression closely and it was almost as if she was hearing the sweetest melody of her life. This reassured me that everything is as it should be with you. When our babies are well and happy, only then can daddy and I be happy, too.

We love you, peanut!

16 Weeks = 4 months = 6 months left!

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. William Shakespeare


If you are like my mom, you may think that our name choices are “out there.” Yes, they are unique, but only a few are obscure. We honestly don’t know what names we will pick, and probably won’t know until closer to the 20-week mark. Names are important to us in this family. One of the reasons I kept my maiden name is because it identifies me as Italian. However, Jason is just as much Italian as I am, but it comes from his mother’s side. Our desire for our children’s first names to be Italian-rooted came from the fact that our children's last names won't be Italian.
One of the reasons why it is important for us (OK…me) to have our children's first names be Italian is because that is what we are – Italian. Everyone needs a culture to identify with and Italian is ours. My paternal grandpa, Antonio, came to America from Italy when he was 9. My paternal grandma, Natalia, was born in America, but both of her parents came from Italy. Jason’s maternal grandpa, Quirino, and maternal grandma, Genevieve, both are from Italy. This makes Jason and me both half Italian, which makes our children half Italian, too. Being Italian is a common thread that brings us closer together as a family. We love pasta, meatballs, garlic, bread, wine, and gathering with family. We have big noses, big appetites, and big personalities. Jason and I were raised with very similar morals and values because of the similarities of our backgrounds. And we hope to one day travel back to our roots in the Italian countryside, where grape vines are plentiful, land is great, and the fresh Mediterranean Sea can be smelled in the air.

In conclusion, while you may think that our chosen name is a foolish name, remember this quote:

Names, once they are in common use, quickly become mere sounds, their etymology being buried, like so many of the earth's marvels, beneath the dust of habit. -Salman Rushdie

And, my final thought: Once baby peanut makes his/her entrance into the world with his/her given name, we won’t even be able to imagine peanut with any other name.

Avacado

Mommy's going to make this a quick one, little peanut, because my bed is calling my name. Mommy just got diagnosed with anemia, which explains her extreme fatigue lately. Not to worry - you are getting all the iron that you need, which is why mommy is struggling so much! I have been ordered to take an additional iron supplement, which will hopefully put me out of anemia range.

I cannot believe you are 5 inches in length! You are getting so big - you're also growing those long eye lashes. You can now move your eyes, but your eyelids are still fused shut. And, most importantly, you can hear us now! Daddy and I will be sure to sing you a sweet lullaby tonight.

Goodnight, my love. Keep growing healthy and strong!

15 Weeks - Got Milk?

If a multinational company developed a product that was a nutritionally balanced and delicious food, a wonder drug that both prevented and treated disease, cost almost nothing to produce and could be delivered in quantities controlled by the consumers' needs, the very announcement of their find would send their shares rocketing to the top of the stock market. The scientists who developed the product would win prizes and the wealth and influence of everyone involved would increase dramatically. Women have been producing such a miraculous substance, breast milk, since the beginning of human existence. ~Gabrielle Palmer

Milk - it does a body good. Our family depends on milk. Jason and I alone go through 2.5 gallons of milk a week - yes a week. Lidia goes through a gallon in a week. We use milk for cereal, of course. We also enjoy drinking it by the glass-full. But this blog is not dedicated to that oh-so-familiar cow's milk that we, as a society, depend upon. It is dedicated to a much more sweet and pure milk - the milk of a human mother's breast.

I never thought I would be such a huge supporter and rallier for breastfeeding. I knew initially that I definitely wanted to do it. All of the most important women in my life had breastfed - my mom, my mother-in-law, my 2 sisters, my 3 sister-in-laws, and my best of friends. Tradition is what got me motivated to do it, but the many benefits to both me and my baby kept me hooked. Breastfeeding, by far, is the most selfless thing a mother can do. Breastfeeding is choice, and I wish every woman could at least make the choice to try. And I don't mean for just a day, because it doesn't come easy.
My milk didn't come in fully until Lidia was 3 days old. The first 3 days she was at my breasts constantly, trying to suck up every last bit of colostrum (the "gold" that your breasts produce right before the milk arrives). There is a definite art and skill to breastfeeding. I had to be positioned right, Lidia had to be positioned right, and her mouth had to be positioned just perfect on my nipples. It probably took a good month to sync our breastfeeding rhythm. And yes, even though I provided the milk, Jason was still a part of the process. For example, when Lidia needed fed every 2-3 hours, Jason would take over as soon as her feeding was done so I could get some rest. She fed from me, and then his job was to rock with her and get her back to sleep. So no, just because a woman breastfeeds doesn't mean the man can lay back and watch it all happen. He can take an active role, too (and Jason became responsible for feeding her breast milk bottles in my absence, so he wasn't left out of the feeding picture completely).

Breastfeeding is not for those who easily give up (which usually is me!). In the beginning, I would give myself a pep-talk nearly every day. It went something like this, "OK, one month. I'm going to give this one month. If I can do this for one month, that is at least better for Lidia than no breast milk at all." I fought through the pain of nipple soreness (and boy was that painful!) and eventually made it to that goal. The next goal went something like this: "OK, one month down. I can make it to 3 months. 3 months is more than I ever expected to be able to last. If I can give her 3 months, I will be satisfied." So on I trudged with my hooter hider and babe on breast. I went back to work and began pumping so Lidia could have her milk while away from me. Then, a funny thing happened. After 3 months, I no longer felt the need for any more pep-talks. I actually enjoyed the act of breastfeeding (I never did enjoy the act of pumping, though). I have such fond memories of laying in bed with Lidia during her nightly feed, watching the satisfaction in her eyes as my milk let down. And then slowly, her suckling would come to a stop and she would lay there peacefully, asleep. Yes, nothing could beat the satisfaction of those moments. It was those moments that brought us closer together. It was those moments that answered every question I had about why it had to be so darn hard. Great rewards don't come easy. I began to slowly ween her from the breast when she was a little past 1 year of age. By 15 months, she was completely weened. But I didn't force her - or myself. It just kind of happened naturally. We were both satisfied with the work that had been done.

A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three. ~Grantly Dick-Read

It is nearly impossible to give your opinion on breastfeeding without offending someone. But I won't apologize for what I believe. Breastfeeding is best. However, I have heard heart-breaking stories of women who wanted so badly to breastfeed, but it just couldn't happen. Women with PCOS or those who have had a breast reduction are those who my heart goes out to the most. I have known women with both of these conditions that knew their fate - but at least gave it a try. It may not have been able to last long, but they gave it their best shot because they knew that some was better than none. And in those cases, formula ended up being the right choice. Preemie babies who need extra supplementation are another exception. But providing the breast milk along with the supplementation is better than no breast milk at all. If you or someone you know is on the fence about breastfeeding, the best you can do is to be aware of all of the benefits. The benefits alone could be enough to sway someone.

Baby and Mama Benefits (from askdrsears.com. Who doesn't trust Dr. Sears?):

Breastfeeding Benefits for Baby from Top to Bottom

Brain. Higher IQ in breastfed children. Cholesterol and other types of fat in human milk support the growth of nerve tissue. 

Eyes. Visual acuity is higher in babies fed human milk. 

Ears. Breastfed babies get fewer ear infections. 

Mouth. Less need for orthodontics in children breastfed more than a year. Improved muscle development of face from suckling at the breast. Subtle changes in the taste of human milk prepare babies to accept a variety of solid foods. 

Throat. Children who are breastfed are less likely to require tonsillectomies. 

Respiratory system. Evidence shows that breastfed babies have fewer and less severe upper respiratory infections, less wheezing, less pneumonia and less influenza. 

Heart and circulatory system. Evidence suggests that breastfed children may have lower cholesterol as adults. Heart rates are lower in breastfed infants. 

Digestive system. Less diarrhea, fewer gastrointestinal infections in babies who are breastfeeding. Six months or more of exclusive breastfeeding reduces risk of food allergies. Also, less risk of Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis in adulthood. 

Immune system. Breastfed babies respond better to vaccinations. Human milk helps to mature baby's own immune system. Breastfeeding decreases the risk of childhood cancer. 

Endocrine system. Reduced risk of getting diabetes. 

Kidneys. With less salt and less protein, human milk is easier on a baby's kidneys. 

Appendix. Children with acute appendicitis are less likely to have been breastfed. 

Urinary tract. Fewer infections in breastfed infants. 

Joints and muscles. Juvenile rheumatoid arthritis is less common in children who were breastfed. 

Skin. Less allergic eczema in breastfed infants. 

Growth. Breastfed babies are leaner at one year of age and less likely to be obese later in life. 

Bowels. Less constipation. Stools of breastfed babies have a less-offensive odor.

For the Mama:

Reduces the risk of breast cancer. Women who breastfeed reduce their risk of developing breast cancer by as much as 25 percent. The reduction in cancer risk comes in proportion to the cumulative lifetime duration of breastfeeding. That is, the more months or years a mother breastfeeds, the lower her risk of breast cancer.
Reduces the risk of uterine and ovarian cancer. One of the reasons for the cancer-fighting effects of breastfeeding is that estrogen levels are lower during lactation. It is thought that the less estrogen available to stimulate the lining of the uterus and perhaps breast tissue also, the less the risk of these tissues becoming cancerous.
Lessens osteoporosis. Non-breastfeeding women have a four times greater chance of developing osteoporosis than breastfeeding women and are more likely to suffer from hip fractures in the post-menopausal years.
Benefits child spacing. Since breastfeeding delays ovulation, the longer a mother breastfeeds the more she is able to practice natural childspacing, if she desires. How long a woman remains infertile depends on her baby's nursing pattern and her own individual baby.
Promotes emotional health. Not only is breastfeeding good for mother's body, it's good for her mind. Studies show that breastfeeding mothers show less postpartum anxiety and depression than do formula-feeding mothers.
Promotes postpartum weight loss. Breastfeeding mothers showed significantly larger reductions in hip circumference and more fat loss by one month postpartum when compared with formula-feeding moms. Breastfeeding mothers tend to have an earlier return to their pre-pregnant weight.
Costs less to breastfeed. It costs around $1,200 a year to formula-feed your baby. Even taking into consideration the slight increase in food costs to a breastfeeding mother, the American Academy of Pediatrics estimates that a breastfeeding mother will save around $400 during the first year of breastfeeding.
The American Academy of Pediatrics, the Centers for Disease Control, and any pediatrician or OB-GYN will affirm these statements as well. So, at this point, I will ever-so-graciously step down from my soap box. But I beg you, if you have a choice - if you are blessed and lucky enough to have a choice - choose breast milk. Breast milk is better than any udder milk!

Orange You Special

Hey there peanut! Have I felt you moving lately? I'd like to think that since I'm becoming experienced at this whole pregnancy thing, that I would know the difference between baby movements and gas. But, I guess I don't! Hopefully my wishes will become reality soon.

What's in a name? So, you will see that mommy and daddy have released your possible names to the left of this post. Yes, we are continuing with the Italian theme. If you are a boy, your middle name will be Matthew, like your father's. If you are a girl, your middle name will be Marie, like your mama's sister, Kristen, and best friend, Ashley. We're anxious to see what the readers' think your name should be!

You've been practicing a lot this week - you're actually breathing in amniotic fluid to help build your lungs up. You're also sucking, making facial expressions, and kicking those arms and legs like crazy.
We are so excited to get updates on you at our next doctor's appointment, which is in 12 short days.

Keep growing healthy, peanut, and we will keep praying for you! We love you!

14 Weeks - I Need Motivation

Motivation is a gold-mine. Every time someone or something figures out how to motivate people, it usually ends up pretty profitable for the motivator. Take, for example, all of the advertisements and commercials around New Year's time about weight loss and diet modification. Every person that Weight Watchers motivates, the more money they get to put into their piggy bank. Motivation is a very tricky concept to understand. Everyone's motivation differs, and it can be different at different points in someones life.

Let's take, for example, my pregnancies. When pregnant with Lidia, I was motivated to stay fit. I had a goal - to run the Flying Pig 5K - and I stuck to that goal. And it was even more of an incentive that we were going to reveal the gender and name of our baby on that day. That is what I needed to motivate myself to stay fit. And the reason why I wanted to stay fit during pregnancy was the many health benefits: it helps prevent gestational diabetes, it helps to build up endurance for the grueling job of labor and delivery, it aids in shedding the baby weight after pregnancy, it reduces the chance of swelling up like a blimp, and it staves off baby blues and pumps up your mood. All the books and web sites about pregnancy will advise a woman who is healthy and has a healthy pregnancy to exercise at least 30 minutes a day. Supposedly, exercise while pregnant keeps your baby healthy, too. And I'll have to tell you, I enjoyed running while pregnant with Lidia just to prove wrong the people who thought I couldn't do it. It wasn't a struggle for me to stay fit with Lidia's pregnancy - I had motivation.

So where, oh where, has my motivation gone? I've looked for it everywhere  - on the elliptical, outside, at Jason's health club. But for some reason, I just can't find it in this pregnancy. My thighs rubbing together while I walk, my inability to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, nor my aches and pains have been enough to motivate me. I want something to blame for my lack of motivation and I think I have it  - I don't have a goal. I have learned in my life that I am someone who relies on goals to get things done. The Flying Pig 5K was a goal that I set while pregnant with Lidia to help me stay fit. And the next year, the Flying Pig 10K was the goal I needed to shed the extra baby weight. This past year, the Flying Pig Relay was a goal I set just to maintain my health. Now, I have no goal. By the time the 2012 Flying Pig rolls around, I will be 9 months pregnant. I am all for working out while pregnant, but I am realistic and know that at 9 months pregnant I will have no desire, nor the physical ability to run a race. It will be January when we will find out the gender and name of this baby, and I'm not sure you could pay me to run a race outside in freezing weather. So, I am stuck goalless.  I ask a favor of you - if you happen to find my motivation or my goal, can you please let me know? Because this little lady and this little baby need it back, and pronto. I'm even willing to pay you money.

Lemon Squeeze

Hey there my sweet little lemon! Are you really closing in on 3.5 inches? Your growth is truly remarkable. Now that we are able to hear your heartbeat, more and more I find myself longing to feel you moving in me. You certainly have poofed mommy out in the past couple weeks - so much so that I've been liberal in sharing the news about you. Everyone that we tell about your impending arrival is so excited, peanut! I have had almost everyone predict that you are a boy. The only ones who thinks you're a girl at this point is your daddy and your sister. As we tell everyone, we will be so completely thrilled no matter what accessory you are found wearing when we get our 20 week ultrasound. And yes, we could pay to have a specialty place spill the gender beans a bit earlier, but we would rather wait to see you in 3D when you are bigger - around 32 weeks.

Now, you are growing little hairs all over your body (called lanugo) to keep your warm in mommy's belly. You are also wiggling and jiggling your toes down there - how cute! Other than that, every part of your body is working on growing and building up efficiency.

I know that we said that we would have the possible names for you this week, but to be honest, your father and I have only agreed on one name so far. So we are going to give it another week and then we will release the name choices to the general public.

Goodnight my sweet one and know that I think of you often and with a smile. I love you.

13 Weeks - Don't Worry About a Thing, Cuz Every Little Thing is Gonna Be Alright

"When the really terrible things happen, we start begging the god we believe in to bring back the little horrors, and take away this. It seems quaint now, doesn't it? The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage. Would it've helped if we could see what else was coming?" - Meredith on Grey's Anatomy

Trauma is all subjective. I feel that trauma is watching your  2-year old daughter get wrapped up in a straight jacket - screaming, crying, and kicking -  while a team of nurses holds her down in an attempt to find a good vein to draw blood from and insert an IV. However, others may not view this as traumatic. Those days when I thought I was having a bad day - an angry coworker, a flat tire, another unexpected bill - were not really bad days. All of those "little" things that happen fail in comparison to all the horrid things that could happen. You know, sometimes I really believe that God puts us in difficult situations, in which we face adversity, to remind us to not sweat the small stuff. That extra $20 for a parking ticket or even that $180 speeding ticket are nothing compared to what stresses you could be facing. And stress, to say the least,  is what we faced in this 13th week.

On Saturday, I would have loved a speeding ticket. Even a broken leg or arm. If I had to choose those things over my daughter being so sick that she had to be admitted to the hospital, I would have in an instant. I would have given anything to be that person laying in the hospital bed rather than her.  Lidia has what is referred to as Reactive Airway Disorder - which is basically asthma. We have no idea how she contracted this, because it runs nowhere in our families. Doctors seem so perplexed with this when we tell them that there is no medical history. Anyhow, Lidia develops her asthma when she contracts a rough virus. She has had these episodes once a month for the past 4 months. Jason and I feel like seasoned pros in handling her episodes. That's why on Saturday night, when another episode was brewing, we thought for sure we could handle it. We tried her rescue inhaler, we sat with her in the steamy, dark bathroom with the shower blaring, we had Vicks vapo rubbed her feet, chest, and back, we cranked up her humidifier, and we had even plugged in her Vicks Vapo plug-in. But after 10 hours of trying everything, we had given up. Her neck and stomach muscles were working so hard to breathe. She could barely speak a word. Her nostrils were flarring. At this point, she needed saved - and fast.

Jason sped us through stop signs and stoplights and screeched into Cincinnati Children's Emergency Room. Normally, one would expect to wait for at least an hour to be seen - but this was not true on this day. They took one look at Lidia and she was immediately brought back to a room. Her heart rate was speeding at 180 beats per minute (a child her age should have a heart rate of 110 to 120 beast per minute - max), her oxygen level was going from 91 to 89 and dropping, and her respiratory rate was at a dangerous level. After 3 breathing treatments, she showed no signs of improvement. She was being manhandled by 5 different doctors in the ER. At one point, Lidia looked up at me and said, "We need Dr. Pappas." Dr. Papas is Lidia's pediatrician and she adores him. She knew, as well as we did, that Dr. Pappas would have had an answer a lot quicker than these folks. However, we were stuck. Some of the doctors heard wheezing in her lungs, some did not. Through it all, Lidia was screaming and crying. She was finding no comfort in the things that usually gave her comfort - her blankie, mommy's kisses, daddy's warm embrace. After we saw the ER doctors scratching their heads, they decided to get x-rays of her lungs. This was the 3rd time in 4 months Lidia had to get x-rays. She knew what was coming and she was not a fan. As we were about to enter the x-ray room, I notified the technician that I was pregnant and in no time I was left standing alone while the door closed in my face. It was so painful to hear her crying for her mommy. I couldn't help but bow down, put my head in my hands, and cry. Control freak I am - and this was a situation I had no control over. After her x-rays came back, there was again discrepancies in the doctors' opinions. The radiologist saw clean lungs, the doctors saw haziness. While the experts paced the hall, unsure of what exactly was ailing Lidia, Lidia wasn't getting any better. After 4 hours, it was then decided she would be admitted while they determined a diagnosis and a treatment plan.

Jason and I had been in touch with our parents at this point. I was able to call Jason's mom and explain the situation. But for some reason, as soon as I phoned my mom and heard her voice, I couldn't speak. She immediately caught on that something was wrong and I burst into tears. In the background, struggling to even utter a single word, Lidia said, "What's wrong with mama?" My mom was everything I needed her to be for me - strong. I, however, could no longer be strong for Lidia. I had a moment of weakness in front of her and I feel terrible about it, even now. I showed her how scared I was, when what she needed was for me to be stoic and optimistic. Instead of focusing on how lucky we were to be at one of the nation's top children's hospitals, I was pitying us for even being there in the first place. Jason, of course, was Lidia's rock. When he is worried and stressed, no one would know it. However, I do. He won't speak much, he doesn't smile, and he rarely makes eye contact with anyone. Though stressed, Jason was Lidia's hero that day - and mine, too.

Once we got comfortable in our room, Lidia's nurse immediately came and filled the room with smiles and optimism. Lidia, of course, had her fill of doctors and nurses by this point, so she wasn't warming up too quick. The nurse explained that the doctors in charge of Lidia needed to get blood work for labs so they could have more evidence to make a proper diagnosis. It took 3 nurses to hold her down, but they eventually got what they needed. Time went by in the little hospital room. The clock ticked furiously while we waited for something - anything - that would help our baby. Then finally, lab results were ready. The doctor explained that Lidia had an elevated white blood cell count, 21,000, and that they were able to positively identify cells as bacterial. The doctors then were able to diagnose her with bacterial pneumonia. A round of IV fluids and antibiotics were ordered for her. Which again meant that she had to be held down for a IV port to be inserted on the back of her hand.

Us, and the doctors, were confident that Lidia was on her way to getting better. However, after hours had passed, her vitals were still not where they would have liked them to be. Lidia was exhausted and had fallen asleep in my arms. We would be staying the night while they kept a watchful eye on her.

Ah, this blog is getting rather long, isn't it? And it's getting a bit depressing. How about we fast forward to the good stuff. After the second day of Lidia not getting better, one of the doctor's in her pediatrician's office recommended that they try another breathing treatment. They had not tried a breathing treatment since she was first in the ER. What a novel idea! So a respiratory therapist was brought in, the breathing treatment was given, and within minutes, it was smack-in-the-face obvious that our baby was breathing better. She got to meet her new pulmonary specialist doctors, who we will be visiting quite frequently in the next couple of months. Lidia was finally given an inhaled daily steroid to prevent these episodes from happening again. After about 5 more hours of consistent and stable vitals, Lidia was ready to go home.And so were we. We walked out of the hospital, wind blowing in our hair, Jason holding Lidia, and me holding Jason's hand. We were laughing as Lidia was talking up a storm and asking for Dora fruit snacks. We were back - and better than ever.

You know, maybe God gives us these experiences so we can absolutely cherish the small things in life. Breathing fresh air. Sleeping in our own beds. Being healthy. Housing a healthy, growing life. And finding out that our baseballs have shrunk to the size of ping-pong balls. Yes, that's right. We found out this week that Mr. Baseball had defined all odds. He is slowly fading away and for that I thank God profusely. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. I had a small bit of time to sneak away from the hospital when Lidia was getting better. I had an ultrasound and got to see our precious, beautiful baby. Peanut was in there, cross-legged, sucking his/her thumb. Peanut was moving all around, as usual. The ultrasound technician found my cyst, but I wasn't given the good news until I met with the OB. She gave the official results - the cyst had shrunk from 7 cm down to 2 cm. And she seemed pretty positive that it would keep shrinking.

Give me a person who doesn't believe in Jesus and God and I will recount this day to him/her. Tell me that prayers don't work and I will tell you that 2 of our prayers were answered within hours of one another. Tell me that going to mass and actually living out the virtues doesn't work and I will bring you back to this day. Jesus is real. Prayers work. So start believing, and start praying. And most importantly, start cherishing those small things in life, and stop sweating the small stuff.

Peach Fuzzies

Hi my sweet love. I am so sorry I could not handle my stress these past couple of days. I am hoping that you stayed strong and spent time growing and learning new things. Mommy's doctor reminded me that I need to take better care of myself as the care I take for me makes a direct impact on you. As you know, mommy got to sneak away from the hospital for a couple of hours to see you. Below, you will see the sweet picture that I hold close to my heart. When I got back to the hospital after seeing you, the first thing Lidia asked me was to see baby peanut. She loves you already, sweet baby.

I'm so happy that you have more room to grow down there. And growing you are! Look at you - you are nearly 3 inches in length. As we enter this second trimester, your body is doing amazing things. Can you believe that you are already going peepee in there? A big thing that I have been reading in my books and web sites is that you already have unique, one-of-a-kind fingerprints. Your intestines, which have been housed in your umbilical cord up to this point, are making their way to your abdomen.

Daddy and I are narrowing down the names we have for you. I'm thinking next week we may post the possibilities and have the readers let us know what their favorites are. We can't stop thinking about you, peanut. Keep growing healthy down there and we will do everything on our end to make sure that you get whatever you need. We love you!

Week 12 - Workin' Nine to Five

Workin' nine to five
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin' and no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it

Oh Dolly, I couldn't have said it better. Even though my hours are 8:15-4:30, the meaning of the lyrics don't change. I  work because it brings me great satisfaction. I get a huge high off of completing tasks and achieving goals that I set for myself at work. I don't really need anyone else to pat me on the back (though it is nice). My arms do a pretty good job at reaching around and patting my own self. However, work has become just that - work. Ever since I went back to work after Lidia was born, my priorities have shifted a bit. I no longer work for selfish reasons - I work to support my family and to positively influence my child. My choice to continue working wasn't an easy one. The weekend before I went back to work after Lidia, I had a fool-proof plan of how Jason and I could have made it work with just his income. Looking back, it was more of a foolISH plan that included eating bread and rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just didn't want to leave my baby. I was finding myself where I find myself often in life - on the diving board, not moving. I just needed someone to push me off, and that someone was Jason.

I cannot speak for stay-at-home moms, nor do I have any right to judge that decision. Because I, too, made a decision. The decision was to go back to work, full-time, after Lidia. Now, there were, of course, stipulations. I needed every bit of the 3 months that I got to spend with her. I needed this for bonding, for breastfeeding, and for Lidia. Without that 3 months, I don't know that I could have managed going back to work. And for that, I am grateful. I'm even more grateful for working at such a family-centered University, and working for such a family-centered boss. Even knowing this, you will never hear me say that it was easy to go back. It was like Lidia and I were magnetically connected. Whenever we weren't together, we both had to put so much strength into staying in our respective places. We braced ourselves for the 8 hours that we were apart. Then, when it was time for us to reunite, we connected immediately and it was like we were never apart. Of course, the days got easier as time went by. But every now and then, that maternal guilt crept up - and still does. The bad days that happen to us all - workplace drama, making mistakes - make me sometimes question why I choose to subject myself to this insanity instead of spending my days having tea parties and park dates. But, it only takes a few days for reality to set in. I tell myself - and everybody else - that I wouldn't be able to be the mother that I am without working. I am a workin' woman - I need work for emotional and financial reasons. And for me to be happy and to be the best mother that Lidia and baby peanut deserve, then I need to continue working. I want to set a good example for them, too. I want them to know that being a woman doesn't mean you have to succomb to the traditional roles of domestication. I am the antithesis of the traditional, domestic woman. I kept my maiden name, I work, I rarely cook, and my house has dust bunnies and black animal hairs all over it (I try, but darn it's hard!). Something's gotta give - it can't be expected that a woman can work 40 hours a week and still have time to spend quality time with her child while putting a 4 course meal on a sparkling clean table in a sparkling clean home. I would much rather spend time coloring Care Bears coloring pages, playing with Play-Doh, and riding the tricycle than cleaning and cooking. Thankfully for me, my husband is 100% agreeable to this notion. I can honestly say that Jason and I are equally split across the board - we put in equal time with Lidia, we share equal financial responsibilities, we share household responsibilities equally. If this didn't happen, I don't think it would be possible for me to work. Yes, I will continue to work after baby peanut makes his/her charming debut. Yes, I will need my 3 months of baby peanut and me time. And finally, I'll need my 2-30 minute pumping sessions at work for a year. But that's really all I ask for.

Working moms will always have their children on their minds - no matter how important the task at hand is. We will most definitely always drop an opportunity to "move-up" if it means being able to spend more time with our children. Nothing - and I mean nothing - in the world beats the feeling when I go to pick Lidia up from school. Seeing her eyes light up, smiling ear-to-ear, and screamming over and over, "mommy, mommy!" as she runs to me at full speed with her arms reached out elicits a feeling in me that I can't even put into words. She reinforces my confidence in my decision every day. Maybe it's my maternal guilt that allows my justification for being a working mom make sense. Whatever it is, it's working. And I'm not one for messing with things that work.

Plum-tastic!

Baby peanut, you are the size of a plum! Can you believe that? We had the ultimate pleasure of hearing your heartbeat for the first time this week. That little handy-dandy fetal heart doppler is one cool, little tool! Of course, we wanted you to see it, so we posted the video below for you (make sure you turn your volume up!).

Each week, you are growing stronger and stronger. Yes, all of your systems have developed by now, and we are very thankful. Over the course of the next months, your body will spend most of its time building up what's already there, as well as putting more meat on your little bones. A funny note - if I push on my tummy, you will most likely move in response because your reflexes are building. This is so exciting to mommy!

I cannot say it enough how truly blessed we feel to have you with us, peanut. You bring so much joy to our lives already. I can't even imagine how much joy you will add when you finally arrive. But, we are willing to wait, my dear. You need all the time you can get in that cozy womba (not a typo) of mine. Great rewards are worth waiting for, peanut.

11 Weeks - Hey Soul Sister

I think it's an important fact to know that while churning out my weekly blogs, a most essential part of my creation is the music to which I listen. Music has always inspired me from day one. I have memories of sitting in my basement at a young age spending hours upon hours just listening and belting out lyrics to music. My favorite was the Annie soundtrack. I loved popping that record in and playing it, making sure the needle got placed just right so I could listen to my favorite song, "It's a hard knocked life." I remember popping in the Cyndi Lauper tape and belting out "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," and "Time After Time." My mom says that I could have listened to Ms. Lauper for hours. I often lost myself in these songs and felt that each one could apply to my life at any given moment. When writing my nightly journal entries as a young girl, music was always in the background. Music is my muse. And throughout this blog, Pandora has been my savior. Specifically, the Hey Soul Sister station. It's just the type of music that I need to dig down deep.

This blog is turning into being a more soul-cleansing, soul-searching blog. Whereas Lidia's blog focused on the goings-on in our lives, this blog is trending towards the goings-on within my head. Not what I had planned, but I think it's working out. And speaking of soul-cleansing, I have something I would like to share:

An Open Letter of Apology to My Husband

Dear Jason Matthew,

Throughout the past 11 weeks, you have been nothing short of patient, kind, selfless and caring when it comes to me. All of those nights where I've laid, lifeless, due to extreme fatigue and nausea - you didn't raise one eyebrow. You are like superman - you fly in and fix dinner, do the dishes, entertain and educate our daughter, take the dogs out, clean out the cat box, do the laundry, sweep the floors, clean the toilets, pack our lunches, make sure that I'm drinking water, get me Tums, go on Wendy's runs (because a baked potato was the only thing I could stomach to eat that day), the list is endless. And what have I done in the past 11 weeks? I've spent most of it complaining, worrying, and laying down. I don't remember thanking you or telling you how much I appreciate everything you have sacrificed for me, Lidia, and baby peanut. That just makes me feel the complete opposite of what you are - selfish, mean, uncaring, and impatient. So for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for all the times my hormones have gotten the better of me in the past 11 weeks. I hope that in your heart of hearts, you know that this is not me. I am an energetic person who loves to make you happy. It is so amazing to me that pregnancy can do this to a person. But, my darling, not to worry. In a couple short weeks, I will be out of the first trimester. As each day approaches towards the 13-week mark, I can feel myself slowly gaining the momentum of old Amy. Soon, I'll be back, my love. I'll be back to chasing you and Lidia around the house, going on nightly walks, and laughing so hard that we cry. And when I'm back, I owe you a ton. You are amazing. You are my angel and I am truly blessed by the Good Lord above to have you as my husband, the father of our children, my soul mate, forever.

Love,

Amy Louise

Lime!

Baby peanut-can you believe you are now the size of a lime? You are nearing the 2 inch mark and your growth continues to amaze me. To think, you were the size of a poppy seed only 8 weeks ago! You have all of the features of a full-term baby at this point. You are also moving with such fluidity at this point. Keep moving and grovin' my darlin'!

You are so sweet, my little lime. I have been daydreaming about you. In 9 short weeks (maybe even shorter if we're lucky!), we will be able to call you by name. And then, you'll be half-way home. We can't wait to meet you! As always, keep growing healthy and we'll keep praying for your health. We love you!

10 Weeks - I Need a Sign to Let Me Know You're Here

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

I can tell things are starting to normalize again in our lives. Our worlds are creating a new normal - but it's becoming familiar now. As I reflect on how Jason and I were debating over cribs this week and not stressing about peanut's health, I realize that we have let our worry go. And Sunday - what a day. I haven't had a day like Sunday in a while. I was relaxed, but motivated to do work and play with Lidia. I had energy (but still took a nap) and had a refreshing outlook on the world. The Steelers won their game, the Bengals won theirs - our worlds were in harmony.

The number one event that can be attributed to this new-found normal is our doctor's appointment on Friday. I was giddy and nervous for this appointment. I had been counting down the days. As we entered that oh-so-familiar place that is our OB-GYN office, I realized that I had really missed it there. And I think the reason why is that at the culmination of all of my visits, I got to take home my beautiful baby, Lidia. Now, the same sweet anticipation returned. What a reward it will be to again walk out with another beautiful, healthy baby.

The first thing was first - weight check. I happened to weigh in at the same exact weight as I was when I had Lidia's first prenatal appointment. Then, it was pee-in-a-cup time and finally blood pressure check. After these routine procedures, (procedures I will be doing at every appointment) we were escorted back to our room. On our way back, I glanced up at the pictures of all the babies that our practice had delivered and immediately my eyes were brought to Lidia's birth announcement. I was almost brought to tears by this, and literally stopped in my tracks to stare at her beauty, while at the same time envisioning our next bundle of joy stapled right along next to her. We then arrived in our room and here Jason and I anxiously awaited the arrival of our doctor. And how ironic that our appointment was with the same doctor that we met with first when pregnant with Lidia, as well as the doctor who delivered Lidia. Dr. Rinala walked into our exam room with a smile on her face and a big "Congratulations! You guys are switching it up with a Spring baby instead of a Fall one!" And almost immediately my nerves were calmed by her. She went on to explain all the implications of my cyst to Jason and I. She ordered us to not worry about the cyst - that she is the one who is to do the worrying. She assured us that any intervention that needed to be done - including surgery - would not affect the baby. I told her that I like numbers and asked her to give me some stats. She said that she has dealt with many women in my same position. And the likelihood of me having a miscarriage at this point is no higher than anyone else's. In fact, there is only a 3% chance of a miscarriage at this point in anyone's pregnancy. Praise the Lord! After this discussion, Jason and I felt that peanut was safe - and in good hands.

This news could have satisfied us enough. But Dr. Rinala gave us a present for which we will be forever thankful. You see, one of the 7 doctors in the practice, Dr. Wurzbacher, had notified me in my pregnancy with Lidia that Dr. Rinala had written and underlined VERY ANXIOUS in my notes. At this visit, I have a feeling that Dr. Rinala knew that it would bring much peace to Jason and I to see baby peanut. And, a funny tidbit was that she actually referred to peanut as "peanut" without us even mentioning it to her. She said, "Let's take a quick peak at peanut." Peanut's entire body then glowed on the ultrasound screen. Peanut was bouncing around and moving his/her hands and legs. Dr. Rinala narrowed in on peanut's heartbeat and it was strong and steady. Then, like magic, it was almost as if mine and Jason's heartbeats synced up to peanuts and became strong and steady, too. To conclude, Dr. Rinala explained that we would be getting an ultrasound at every visit to monitor the cysts' growth - which would in turn lead to a most inevitable peak at baby.

We walked out of there with our next appointment - November 21st - and our new normal begun. We are now a family of 3 with one on the way. No matter what complications may arise from this point on, there is a baby in me. A human who has established every organ by this point. It is our child and we are it's parents no matter what, for the rest of our lives. And we will thank God every day of our lives for that - for them.



And I couldn't let this blog post be published without a Halloween picture. We had a blast!

Symptoms

Hey, I'm feeling pretty good! Yes, not completely normal - but good, comparably! Acid reflux - check; bloat - check; constipation - (double) check; nauseousness - check (but only in the evenings). New symptom alert - boobie soreness. Sorry Jason - hands off for awhile! My appetite is slowly regaining momentum. Today I was able to eat a veggie sushi roll, which is a huge step! I think some turkey chili may even be on the menu for dinner (if Jason's lucky!).

I Love You

Hey there, prunie! Apparently, you are starting to grow hair now. If you are anything like your sister, your hair won't start growing until you're about 15 months. But, you could prove us wrong and come out with a full head of hair, which I would welcome! Your bones and cartilage are forming now and your little teethers are taking their place. It was such a blessing to be able to see you this week, peanut. You looked so cute hanging out in mommy's womb. You've begun swallowing some amniotic fluid, and it may start to taste like what mommy is eating. Hope you like sushi:)

I am so proud of you, peanut. You have withstood all of the stress mommy went through on her trip to San Diego, as well as the stress of the cyst with whom you have to share space. You seem to be almost oblivious to the stresses that have been going on, which is fabulous. You are one tough cookie, peanut. Keep growing healthy and know that mommy and daddy are anxiously awaiting our next sneak peak at your beautiful face!

9 Weeks - Where Nightmares, Not Dreams, Come True

Devastation. That is the only word suitable enough to describe the event that happened this week. If I could draw a picture of devastation, it would consist of a balloon floating happily up to the sky to reach it's destination and then out of nowhere, it pops, and the remains come plummeting back to the earth. This week, I received news that my best friend had experienced a miscarriage. She spent 8 grueling hours in the Emergency Room, and at one point lost consciousness. She was losing so much blood that she thought for sure she was hemorrhaging. After all was said and done, she was left physically and emotionally scared. 9 weeks she had housed a growing baby. And in 8 hours, it had all ended. While this is not my story to tell, it remains (and will remain) one of the most devastating events of my life. This is someone who I would die to protect. It pains me so much to see her so hurt physically and emotionally. Yes, it's true that she and her family will one day see the meaning of this - they will see God and Mother Nature's will. But right now, it's hard to understand why this would happen to her. She is young, healthy, and has nothing but love and good fortune to bring to a new life in this world. If anything, I am confident that she will again conceive and will never suffer this traumatic event again. In the mean time, she is focusing on her. I spoke to her the other day and she was tearful - but not about what you would think. She was shedding happy tears for the things that she has been blessed with - a loving husband and an amazing child. She has the resiliency of a child - she has the ability to take this experience and tuck it away without letting it effect her in the long term. This is one of the reasons why I've always emulated her. She is one of the most emotionally strong people that I know. Not because she doesn't cry or not because she chooses not to deal with trauma. It's actually the opposite - because she feels free to cry and she deals with issues head-on. And again, I will say it - pregnancy is not for the weak.

I'm not going to lie. I've been feeling some sort of survivor's guilt in the passing days. Asking myself, "Why didn't this happen to me?" And before I ask that question too much, I can't forget that it still could happen to me. There is nothing written in law that makes me immune to a miscarriage at this point. So I'm going to keep trucking on with my acid reflux, stomach bloat, cramping, and exhaustion. Because of those symptoms, I know our little peanut is trucking on, too.




Our Little Fetus

How's that for a milestone? This week, you've moved from being referred to as an embryo to an actual fetus. Your facial features are becoming more distinct and you have tiny muscles forming. Your father and I are anxiously awaiting our first doctor's appointment with you next week. You'll be 10 weeks old by then and hopefully we will be able to take a listen at your heart. And if not, there's always the fetal heart monitor that your mama just rented:) $24.00 a month is not a bad price to pay to get the reassurance of hearing that precious heartbeat. And knowing that we can hear your heartbeat now puts us one step closer to seeing your beautiful face. It's time to sign off now, sweet one. Keep growing healthy and always remember that we love you!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - 8 Weeks

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I

There are many things I have dreamed about in my life. I've dreamt about growing up. About marrying the man of my dreams and starting a family. I've wished and prayed for a best friend like no other best friend. The wake-up call is slowly hitting me. My dreams have come true. I found out this weekend that my best friend in the whole entire world, my soul mate, is expecting. And 2 days before us! How is that for a wake-up call on how blessed we are? What a dream it was to not only be pregnant together with our first children, but for it to happen again with baby number two!

And yes, we are both scared, as it is still early. You know this whole pregnancy thing is not for the weak. There are horror stories of miscarriages at 16 weeks and it makes me shiver with fear. Already 8 weeks pregnant, I feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me. I can't imagine losing this baby and how it would devastate my entire world. I am once again immersing myself in every pregnancy book I can find and every pregnancy web site I can google. Apparently, if a miscarriage were to happen at this point in pregnancy, it is to be seen as blessing. It means that the baby's genes are not forming as they should be, so mother nature steps in and ends the pregnancy while its still somewhat new. Miscarriages that happen later in the pregnancy are usually due to maternal health issues or the actual uterus, placenta, and/or amniotic sacs themselves. However, no one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen and most of the time, they are out of every one's control. So at this point the only intervention we can do is pray and pray harder. We pray that our babies are growing healthy and we continue to make good health choices. Not necessarily for us, but for the life growing inside of us. I read an article today where recently a woman found out she had cancer while she was pregnant. She opted to forgo any chemo treatment to protect the baby growing inside of her. Her baby was born 10 weeks premature and shortly after, the mother passed. Typing this makes me sad and my eyes are welling with tears. However, I'm sure that any other mother would have done the same. That's what we do - we protect our babies. We use whatever control we have to make sure our babies are safe, healthy, and well-cared for - even in utero. And we don't see it as a chore, we see it as a blessing. Because this is something we've always dreamed about - being a mother.

Symptoms

As far as nausea is concerned, I think I am feeling a bit better in that department, or I am just getting used to it. I still have that twinge of a gag reflex when I see something that doesn't look appetizing. And I'm no closer to cooking a meal that contains meat. But, I devoured some stuffed shells and baked ziti, which is a great sign! New pregnancy symptom alert: metal mouth. It's starting to go away, but for a couple weeks I had the taste of metal in my mouth. I had no idea it was a pregnancy symptom until I read it in, What to Expect When You're Expecting. And, of course, I've been lethargic and short of breath. I also remembered the importance of eating every two hours, as I got light-headed and sweaty one day this week due to low blood sugar (I hadn't eaten for 4 hours). Some good old crackers and soup cured that! And finally, I'm smiling a lot more this week - does that count as a pregnancy symptom?

You are Berry Wonderful


My little active one! Apparently, you have been down there flailing your arms and legs. Obviously, I cannot feel you moving around, but boy am I ever anxious to! You are working your way up to being an inch long, though you haven't hit that milestone yet. And, you are beginning to form taste buds. I can't wait for you to taste your nonno's famous meatballs, your mamaw's awesome enchiladas, and your grandma Schneider's amazing homemade ravioli's!

This week we've been talking a bit about what your name will be. We've got some good ideas floating out there! Also this week, your older sister keeps saying, "Baby peanut OK." We're not quite sure where she got this from, and she doesn't phrase it as a question. It's almost like she's reassuring daddy and me that you are doing just fine. Keep hanging in there my dear! We can't wait for a couple short weeks when we will get to hear the lovely tune of your heart beating. We love you!

I'll Give You Something to Worry About - 7 Weeks

As I write this blog, I realize how truly blessed I have been throughout my life. Yes, there were some rough times, some scary times, and some times where I felt like God was personally punishing me. As I linger on the phrase, "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle," I realize that instead of dishing that advice out to others, I now have to learn to apply it to my own life.

While pregnant with Lidia, I worried all the time. I worried when she didn't move as much as usual, I worried about all the things that could possibly go wrong, I just worried. I remember hearing people say, "Just wait until she's born, the worrying will get worse." But I literally couldn't wait until she was born for the mere fact that I could see her and I could protect her. So many of the unfortunate tragedies that happen to babies in the womb can not be prevented. They just happen without warning and sometimes without cause. I'm all about the idea of control, which is one of the many reasons I am fearful of flying.

I wouldn't consider myself a true hypochondriac, but I do worry about myself and my health. This is the anxiety that plagues me on a daily basis. This very fact baffles me when it comes to the next chain of events. Back in May, I began noticing some pain in my lower left abdomen. It didn't feel like a digestive issue, and I thought for sure it had something to do with my woman parts. I made an appointment with my OB, but then cancelled the appointment because the pain seemed to dissipate. Throughout the next couple of months, the pain would come and go. It wouldn't cause too much trouble, it was just sore. When I would get into my car or have to have a seat any other way than my butt hitting the chair on a straight vertical trajectory, I would have to grimace in pain for a couple of seconds, but then the pain would vanish. After I returned from my trip to San Diego (about two weeks ago), I decided to finally make an appointment with my family doctor. Perhaps it wasn't woman issues, maybe it was digestive issues.

I wasn't sure what to expect going into the appointment. I guess I just wanted reassurance that I was OK. Being pregnant had almost made the pain worse, so I was hoping the doctor would have a treatment plan for me. After describing my symptoms, she was almost positive that I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS. As she was leaving, she hesitated for a moment and said, "You know, you're pregnant. I think I would feel better ordering you an ultrasound so we can completely rule out an ectopic pregnancy." I was disturbed at the thought of an ectopic pregnancy, but was relieved that we were finally getting to the bottom of this pain. I left the office with my ultrasound appointment scheduled for 10 days later.

Going into the appointment, I honestly was not worried. I really did not think I had an ectopic pregnancy, after reading all of the facts about it on the web. I was more so excited to actually get a glimpse of our baby so early. We had to wait until 20 weeks gestation with Lidia to get a peek at her. Being able to get a peek at 6 weeks, 5 days was amazing to me. So, I went on with my daily routine until this day, the day when everything changed.

The ultrasound was a fairly quick process. The ultrasound technician immediately found the baby cozzied up in my uterus, right where baby should be. She focused in on the heartbeat, and it was going steady at 118 beats per minute. At this moment the pregnancy actually clicked with me. Tears started to spontaneously fall from my eyes and I was just so gosh darn happy. The ultrasound tech was doing the ultrasound on my belly, how most ultrasounds are done. However, she was unable to locate my left ovary. She was able to find my right ovary and it checked out just fine. She noticed that my bladder seemed full through the ultrasound so she recommended that I "empty" it and return back for a transvaginal ultrasound. I went to go relieve myself, but there was a slight problem - there was no relieving to be done. I thought that was rather odd and reported it back to the ultrasound tech. I was for sure I had to go and she even saw it on the ultrasound...or did she?

I had never had a transvaginal ultrasound done before this day. Want to know what it is? Google it. It's not such a pleasant experience. So, as I'm sitting there thinking everything is OK and thinking about how my diet is going to have to change to control my IBS symptoms, I was thrown a curve ball - literally. The ultrasound tech discovered a large cyst growing on my left ovary, whose size she compared to a baseball. This cyst is what she thought was my full bladder, and explains why I wasn't able to "empty" it. It was 7 cm in diameter. And I was totally freaked. As she recorded all of the measurements of this alien growing inside of me, I was trying to conceive the notion of this new finding. She explained that this cyst could be the reason why it took us a bit longer to get pregnant this time, as the chance of me actually ovulating from that ovary were slim to none. As she left to go get the sonogram doctor (I'm sure he has a more official title), I texted Jason the news. Soon after, the doctor came in the room to explain the meaning of this cyst.

"Torsion." "Rupture." "Surgery." "I don't think it's cancerous." The doctor threw those words out there and like a magnet, they immediately stuck to me. Apparently, this nice little cyst has been growing in me at least since my first signs of pain in May. Had I not been pregnant at the time of discovery, there were several options of treatment they could have done. Now that I am pregnant and the cyst is so large, treatment will have to be put on hold indefinitely. The first question I asked him was if he had seen healthy, full-term pregnancies with women who had cysts as large as mine. His immediate response was, "Many." But of course, if it keeps growing, twists, or ruptures, surgery will be necessary and immediate. The scenario we are all hoping for is that Mr. Baseball stays 7 cm and does not grow, twist, or rupture. If that happens, then my pregnancy will be as normal as it was with Lidia. I will have to be monitored on a more consistent basis (ultrasounds, blood tests, etc.) and I will have to "man up" and deal with the pain. The doctor doesn't believe it is cancerous because it is mostly fluid-filled, the walls that border the ovary are thin, and I am considered young (though I surely do not feel it).

I cannot put into words the feelings I had as I left this appointment. I was laughing and crying and because of this, I thought I was headed to the loony bin. I was so happy that our baby was in my uterus and thriving, but I was so scared. The "what-if" scenarios kept replaying in my head and I couldn't stop them. I called Jason crying. Like a man, he was mad. And I think if you really probed him, he was just mad that this was happening to me - to us.

And 1 week later, our feelings still haven't changed much. We've let the news be known to more people than we wanted to at this time, but only because we desperately need the support and prayers of family and friends. And given my past "hypochondriacism," I still don't understand why I didn't address the problem months ago. Because if I had, then we wouldn't be in the situation that we are in now. Which leads me to my first lesson of this pregnancy - always trust your instincts, despite what others may think of you. I won't be able to meet with my OB until Oct. 28th, but I am hopeful that I will leave her office with a better outlook and a game plan. Even though I want to curse and yell at her for not being able to meet with me earlier, I have to trust that if it was that terrible, then she would have demanded to see me sooner.

You know the old saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" I would like to relate this to my cyst, my frenemy. If I do good things for it, it may do good things for me. While I absolutely hate the fact that it is in me and causing me pain, if I can find ways to live with it then we all will be happier.

So, like I wrote in Lidia's blog - no pregnancy is like another. Even your own pregnancies are very different. And already baby peanut is making his/her statement of individuality. And here baby is, as individual as he/she can be. Baby peanut, you are beautiful.

Symptoms

I am so grateful that I wrote a blog with Lidia. I've been perusing her blog during this pregnancy to get an idea if what I am feeling is matching up to what I felt before. I am utterly exhausted, sick all day, and so bloated that I feel like I look 5 months pregnant. I feel like all of these symptoms are 10 times worse than the symptoms I had with Lidia. Again, it might be the amnesia kicking in, or perhaps its my baseball that is intensifying the symptoms. None-the-less, they are here and they are making themselves be known. I spend 10 minutes in the cafeteria everyday contemplating which soup makes me want to throw up less. And in terms of meat, I might as well become a vegetarian because the thought of chicken, turkey, or anything that walks or blinks an eye makes me want to hurl.

In complaining about my symptoms to a neighbor, she reminded me, "You know, those symptoms mean that your pregnancy is going as it should and that your baby is healthy." That statement struck a chord with me and ever since then I have been trying to be thankful that I even have symptoms. Luckily, I have my dear, sweet Lidia and my devoted husband to keep my mind off my symptoms and focused on life in the present. And what a present we are about to be gifted in 225 days.

Blueberry

Things have been pretty busy for you down there, peanut! You are now the size of a blueberry, at 1/2 an inch long. Your heart and brain are continuing to grow and your arm and leg joints are forming. Already, your eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin are taking their place. I certainly cannot wait to squeeze those cheeks of yours!

Baby peanut, we cannot wait to welcome you into our family. Your daddy is already anxious to get your room set up. Mommy can't wait to hold you while rocking in your rocking chair. And Lidia can't wait to teach you all the cool stuff she knows! Keep growing my dear, and know that we feel so blessed and thankful for every week that you are still with us.

Amnesia - 6 Weeks

I am convinced that pregnancy and child birth are the most stressful events a person has to go through in a lifetime. Not only is it physically taxing, it taxes a person's emotional well-being, too. After Lidia was born, I remember thinking on a daily basis, "Why on earth would someone put themselves through this again?!" Well it's all crystal clear now. It seems that the good Lord above puts us women under some sort of amnesiac spell. All of the pain and feelings are forgotten and brushed off as, "Oh, that wasn't so bad." And then, the husband is looking a little sexy one night and 6 weeks later it all comes crashing back to you.

Yes, I'm here at the 6th week and I'm nauseous as ever. There's no morning sickness or nighttime sickness this time - its all-of-the-time sickness. I can't seem to catch a break. My aversions are starting and boy are they ruthless this time around. Anything sweet - even yogurt - makes me want to find the nearest toilet and bury my head in it. The only thing I can think of at this time that doesn't make my stomach turn is orange Gatorade and soup. But, I'm making a point to suck it up and eat as healthy as I can. This evening, I was making a salad to go with dinner and it took all I had to put the fork to my mouth and eat it. After it was done, I was fine. But thinking about it now brings me one step closer to the trash can. Its amazing how quickly the body registers pregnancy. My good friend, constipation, has decided to show his face again already and exhaustion has hit me like a 10 ton load of bricks. Couple these fabulous symptoms with a 2 year-old and you've got yourself a completely different pregnancy than before. On weekends, I get the ability to nap while Lidia's napping, which takes care of the exhaustion problem. However, during the week, I'm not even remotely able to think about taking a nap. So, I just have to power through it. And honestly, I love playing with Lidia after work and she actually helps rev up my energy, so let's hope it continues that way.

Other than looking and feeling like I'm 5 months pregnant (I've got the first trimester bloat big-time), this pregnancy is still pretty much under wraps. We're going to keep this to ourselves a little longer than last time (and yes, I've told a couple people - you know me!). Even though Lidia is one smart cookie, I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand what is going on. If you ask her what is in mommy's belly, she will tell you. But, she never brings it up herself so I'm pretty confident we don't have to worry about her spilling the beans...at least yet.

One last thing to mention, I've been having a lot of abdominal pain lately. So much so that I have to sit down gently so as to not aggravate my lower abdomen more than it already is. I went to my family doctor and she is convinced it is IBS issues, but wanted to schedule an ultra-sound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is one that was unable to move to the uterus and resides in the fallopian tube, which creates a lot of pain. Of course, we are very optimistic that this is not the case. But, I couldn't turn down the opportunity to take a sneak peak at the little one so early. Hopefully I'll have picture to share next blog. :)

Our Little Peanut
I titled this blog "Little Peanut" because it was the first term your father referred to you as he kissed my belly for the first time. We are so beyond thrilled to be expecting you in 9 months, baby. We are already planning for you - thinking about who your babysitter will be, what room we will place you in, and all the fun things we can do together. Your big sister Lidia is so enthralled with babies so we are confident that she will be ecstatic to have you in her life. It's been only 6 weeks but we are so attached to you already, little one!

It's so fun to read about how you are growing, my dear. You are already a quarter-inch long and your heart is beating! Your entire body is being formed as I type - from your lungs to your fingers, there are special cells that are being set aside for each beautiful part of you.

I'm very excited to get to see you this week! I hope you are cozying up well in my warm belly. If you are anything like your sister, you may get so cozy that you don't want to leave.

It's time to sign off now, my dear. Keep growing healthy and know that your mommy, daddy, and sissy love you more than anything. Night night!

Conception

Conception. It's such a powerful word. It indicates the beginning - and with most things - beginnings are emotional, they are powerful. Conception can be used in many different contexts. “The organization has been beset by problems from its conception." or, "Since its conception, this house has withstood any and all elements of nature." You know exactly what it means - it's one of those words smart people use instead of using the word "beginning."

Now it's time to have a little fun with this word. Welcome to the first post, the conception, of this blog. When I think about the beginning of something, I tend to focus on the end. For instance, at the conception of the work day, I am envisioning the conclusion of the day - which involves me scooping up my baby girl from her school. The meaning to my existence and every ounce of my soul revolves around her. Sweet Lidia, who is no longer a baby, is now a 2-year-old toddler. I would have never conceived the amount of love that could be poured from my body onto another human being (other than my husband, that is). So when I am not with her, I am counting down the hours and minutes until I get to be with her again.

When the concept of conception or a beginning comes into play, there must be a conclusion or an ending to think about. So think about this: On 5.25.12 we are going to be blessed again. The conclusion of this blog and the conclusion of our conception will result in another bundle of joy to add to our family. And we couldn't be any more excited. So, to make a long story short, we're having a baby!

Our Lives as Parents of One
It has been 2 years exactly since I was last pregnant. I'm not sure that I would have been completely "on-board" had it been anytime sooner. The first 18 months of Lidia's life was a whirlwind. There was colic, acid reflux, breast feeding, pumping, more pumping, doctor's appointments, ER trips, hospital stays, and the list goes on. There was no "learning curve" when it came to Jason and I being new parents. We weren't gently guided into the process. Our experience embodied the phrase "sink or swim." Yes, I am not afraid to admit that the first couple weeks I contemplated packing my bags and leaving this new life - a life that didn't seem to belong to me - behind. I yearned so much to still be pregnant, as I am a creature of habit and don't do well with change. This may be surprising to some, being that I was so determined to get her out of me. Those thoughts were fleeting, though, and became nonexistent once the concept of parenting started to stick (and the postpartum hormones/depression calmed themselves). Now, I am jet-setting across the country in a week and am sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving my baby (or wait, maybe that sickness is just pregnancy hormones). In any account, as we got used to our new lives as Lidia’s parents, the struggles were not seen as struggles anymore. I saw them as learning opportunities. And with every opportunity Lidia gave us, we loved her more and more. Looking back, I feel like I owe Lidia a lot. She has taught me so much about myself and about life. Frankly, she has been the best teacher I have ever had. She has taught me what unconditional love is. She has taught me that with one smile or giggle, all the past difficulties and stresses can be wiped away. She has taught me how to be the best mother I can be, and for that her future siblings need to be deeply indebted to her.

Are We Ready?
Once Jason, Lidia and I became more of a working unit, the thought of adding another one to bunch was thrown around. But how could we love another human being as much as we love Lidia? We don't want to share our love - Lidia does not deserve to be short-handed in the parental love department. After moving into a new neighborhood and seeing families of 4 and 5 actually work, we decided that yes, there was more room for love. We have so much more love to give, and Lidia would make the most perfect older sister. She is so smart, that girl. She would enjoy teaching the new baby all the ins and outs of this new world. I can see her now, just taking her sibling's hand and opening up his/her eyes to Lidia's world. Lidia’s world is a world that involves Dora, caterpillars, dance parties, Katy Perry, and balloons. Who wouldn’t want to be introduced to a world like that? In my mind I am envisioning this beautiful bond between the two, a bond that over time includes laughing uncontrollably, venting about their horrible parents, calling each other at 2 am because someone just got her heart broken, and being each other's soul mates. If Jason and I truly want what is best for Lidia, then part of that "best" includes making her a big sister.

Pick Yourself Up and Try Again (in the words of Aaliyah)
Once the decision was made, we began trying. And trying. And then tried some more. For some reason, it just wasn't happening as quickly as it did with Lidia - or was it? When I look back at the months I thought we were trying, I see some reasons why it may not have been working. I had the unfortunate luck of getting Strep throat one month, we went on vacation another month, and we just plain missed the mark a couple months. The month of September (which is the current month), I was going to be in San Diego at a conference, so that month didn't seem like it was going to work out either. October seemed like our first chance of hope. As our daily routines continued throughout the month of September, something was brewing. About a week after I was supposed to have ovulated, I began spotting and having traditional PMS symptoms like cramps and bloating. For some reason this disappointed me. Even though we weren't actively trying, we didn’t not try. So there I was, about to start my period again. It just didn't seem right - it seemed like there must be something wrong with me. Frustrated, I called my OBGYN to schedule a problem visit. I explained what had been going on the past couple months – that I thought we were trying and just weren't succeeding as well as we did with Lidia. The appointment was scheduled 2 weeks out (due to my trip) and I was told in the mean time to buy Clear Blue Easy Digital Ovulation test strips to use after my upcoming period ended. Those who know me know that I am very determined and persistent when it comes to something I want. So, I immediately got on drugstore.com and purchased a 20 pack.

To Flo, or not to Flo? That is the Question.
Well, the next day was just as bad the previous days. I was bloated, crampy, and pissed off at the world. I was so sick of feeling like this and not having my period. Technically, Auntie Flo wasn’t due to visit for two days. But, after spending the evening playing with Lidia and the neighbors (one of who was very pregnant), an idea popped up in my head. A couple months back, I had bought pregnancy tests at Big Lots (I know, pregnancy tests and Big Lots don’t seem to go together well). I knew that I had one test left, but it was expired. I would take that test and if it came back negative then I would patiently wait for my period to come. If it came back positive, then I would go buy some un-expired tests to make sure the result could be confirmed. This seemed like a total rational thought, right? Looking back, let’s just say I now think I’m a bit of a looney. Just like typical Amy, I convinced myself that this is what I needed to do to stop my mind from thinking I was pregnant when I obviously was not. So, as Jason was getting Lidia dressed and ready for bed, I decided to take this test. After I had peed on the stick, I set it on the bathroom counter, out of sight, while I brushed my teeth. At one point, Jason ran in to hang Lidia’s bath towel up, but ran back out without seeing the test. I thought for sure he would see it and think I was absolutely out of my mind. But I got lucky because he didn’t have a clue. After I was done brushing my teeth, I stared over at the test for a couple minutes. I couldn’t see the result from where I was standing, and for some reason I was frozen. I could not bring myself to walk over and look at the test. I was so afraid of being hurt and let down again. I knew that I would start crying and get a bit depressed once I saw the “Not Pregnant.” But, it had to be done. I took a deep breath and simultaneously walked over to the test. It read “Pregnant.”

If You’re Pregnant and You Know it Clap Your Hands
“Pregnant? What? Are you serious?” were the words that jumped around through my head. Like our first positive pregnancy test, it felt like an outer-body experience. I thought I was having de-jah-vue. Once it clicked to me, a process that felt like it took hours (but was really only a matter of seconds), I started crying and screaming Jason’s name repeatedly. He was in Lidia’s room reading her a book and yelled back, “WHAT?! Is everything OK?” I walked with a fast pace into Lidia’s room and slowly extended my arm with the test in it to Jason’s face. He looked at the test, dropped his mouth, and then looked at me. I seriously will have the image of his face at that moment permanently embedded in my brain. His smile literally went from ear to ear and he started dancing and giving me fist bumps (I’m laughing as I type this. Fist bumps are our thing.). Lidia got the biggest kick out of the scene we were making. She was smiling, laughing, and dancing, too. We were going to have a baby! Lidia was going to be a big sister! As we calmed down, we had a group hug and then Jason put Lidia to bed.

After Jason put her to bed, he came downstairs to find me sitting on the couch in a somewhat fetal position and grasping the positive pregnancy test like I was in danger of getting it ripped right out of my hand by a wild monkey. I told him to run to Walgreens to get me the best, most expensive brand of pregnancy test so we could officially get the result confirmed. 10 minutes later, a second, non-expired test confirmed it. We were pregnant. We were going to have another baby! We prayed to God and thanked him furiously for blessing us. Honestly, it is such a blessing and miracle to be pregnant. And as much as we can say that we planned it, it really wasn’t up to us. God had the bigger plan and he knew when it was the right time. And we trust Him more than any ovulation predictor computer software or sticks.

As we were lying in bed that night, Jason revealed to me that when he first heard me screaming his name, he thought I had lost a tooth. Apparently the last he knew is that I was brushing my teeth, and what other reason would I be yelling his name other than to alert him that I had lost a tooth. A very logical assumption, don’t you think? We both got a great laugh out of that one. So, as the idea of being pregnant sinks in every day, we are nothing short of excited to be on this journey again. And we would love to share it with you all again. Every moment, every feeling will be put out there for you. So take it all in – laugh and cry along with us. But most importantly, pray with us that we will have a healthy, bouncing baby boy…or girl? Stay tuned to find out…

Anyone interested in an unused pack of Ovulation Predictor Sticks?