Conception

Conception. It's such a powerful word. It indicates the beginning - and with most things - beginnings are emotional, they are powerful. Conception can be used in many different contexts. “The organization has been beset by problems from its conception." or, "Since its conception, this house has withstood any and all elements of nature." You know exactly what it means - it's one of those words smart people use instead of using the word "beginning."

Now it's time to have a little fun with this word. Welcome to the first post, the conception, of this blog. When I think about the beginning of something, I tend to focus on the end. For instance, at the conception of the work day, I am envisioning the conclusion of the day - which involves me scooping up my baby girl from her school. The meaning to my existence and every ounce of my soul revolves around her. Sweet Lidia, who is no longer a baby, is now a 2-year-old toddler. I would have never conceived the amount of love that could be poured from my body onto another human being (other than my husband, that is). So when I am not with her, I am counting down the hours and minutes until I get to be with her again.

When the concept of conception or a beginning comes into play, there must be a conclusion or an ending to think about. So think about this: On 5.25.12 we are going to be blessed again. The conclusion of this blog and the conclusion of our conception will result in another bundle of joy to add to our family. And we couldn't be any more excited. So, to make a long story short, we're having a baby!

Our Lives as Parents of One
It has been 2 years exactly since I was last pregnant. I'm not sure that I would have been completely "on-board" had it been anytime sooner. The first 18 months of Lidia's life was a whirlwind. There was colic, acid reflux, breast feeding, pumping, more pumping, doctor's appointments, ER trips, hospital stays, and the list goes on. There was no "learning curve" when it came to Jason and I being new parents. We weren't gently guided into the process. Our experience embodied the phrase "sink or swim." Yes, I am not afraid to admit that the first couple weeks I contemplated packing my bags and leaving this new life - a life that didn't seem to belong to me - behind. I yearned so much to still be pregnant, as I am a creature of habit and don't do well with change. This may be surprising to some, being that I was so determined to get her out of me. Those thoughts were fleeting, though, and became nonexistent once the concept of parenting started to stick (and the postpartum hormones/depression calmed themselves). Now, I am jet-setting across the country in a week and am sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving my baby (or wait, maybe that sickness is just pregnancy hormones). In any account, as we got used to our new lives as Lidia’s parents, the struggles were not seen as struggles anymore. I saw them as learning opportunities. And with every opportunity Lidia gave us, we loved her more and more. Looking back, I feel like I owe Lidia a lot. She has taught me so much about myself and about life. Frankly, she has been the best teacher I have ever had. She has taught me what unconditional love is. She has taught me that with one smile or giggle, all the past difficulties and stresses can be wiped away. She has taught me how to be the best mother I can be, and for that her future siblings need to be deeply indebted to her.

Are We Ready?
Once Jason, Lidia and I became more of a working unit, the thought of adding another one to bunch was thrown around. But how could we love another human being as much as we love Lidia? We don't want to share our love - Lidia does not deserve to be short-handed in the parental love department. After moving into a new neighborhood and seeing families of 4 and 5 actually work, we decided that yes, there was more room for love. We have so much more love to give, and Lidia would make the most perfect older sister. She is so smart, that girl. She would enjoy teaching the new baby all the ins and outs of this new world. I can see her now, just taking her sibling's hand and opening up his/her eyes to Lidia's world. Lidia’s world is a world that involves Dora, caterpillars, dance parties, Katy Perry, and balloons. Who wouldn’t want to be introduced to a world like that? In my mind I am envisioning this beautiful bond between the two, a bond that over time includes laughing uncontrollably, venting about their horrible parents, calling each other at 2 am because someone just got her heart broken, and being each other's soul mates. If Jason and I truly want what is best for Lidia, then part of that "best" includes making her a big sister.

Pick Yourself Up and Try Again (in the words of Aaliyah)
Once the decision was made, we began trying. And trying. And then tried some more. For some reason, it just wasn't happening as quickly as it did with Lidia - or was it? When I look back at the months I thought we were trying, I see some reasons why it may not have been working. I had the unfortunate luck of getting Strep throat one month, we went on vacation another month, and we just plain missed the mark a couple months. The month of September (which is the current month), I was going to be in San Diego at a conference, so that month didn't seem like it was going to work out either. October seemed like our first chance of hope. As our daily routines continued throughout the month of September, something was brewing. About a week after I was supposed to have ovulated, I began spotting and having traditional PMS symptoms like cramps and bloating. For some reason this disappointed me. Even though we weren't actively trying, we didn’t not try. So there I was, about to start my period again. It just didn't seem right - it seemed like there must be something wrong with me. Frustrated, I called my OBGYN to schedule a problem visit. I explained what had been going on the past couple months – that I thought we were trying and just weren't succeeding as well as we did with Lidia. The appointment was scheduled 2 weeks out (due to my trip) and I was told in the mean time to buy Clear Blue Easy Digital Ovulation test strips to use after my upcoming period ended. Those who know me know that I am very determined and persistent when it comes to something I want. So, I immediately got on drugstore.com and purchased a 20 pack.

To Flo, or not to Flo? That is the Question.
Well, the next day was just as bad the previous days. I was bloated, crampy, and pissed off at the world. I was so sick of feeling like this and not having my period. Technically, Auntie Flo wasn’t due to visit for two days. But, after spending the evening playing with Lidia and the neighbors (one of who was very pregnant), an idea popped up in my head. A couple months back, I had bought pregnancy tests at Big Lots (I know, pregnancy tests and Big Lots don’t seem to go together well). I knew that I had one test left, but it was expired. I would take that test and if it came back negative then I would patiently wait for my period to come. If it came back positive, then I would go buy some un-expired tests to make sure the result could be confirmed. This seemed like a total rational thought, right? Looking back, let’s just say I now think I’m a bit of a looney. Just like typical Amy, I convinced myself that this is what I needed to do to stop my mind from thinking I was pregnant when I obviously was not. So, as Jason was getting Lidia dressed and ready for bed, I decided to take this test. After I had peed on the stick, I set it on the bathroom counter, out of sight, while I brushed my teeth. At one point, Jason ran in to hang Lidia’s bath towel up, but ran back out without seeing the test. I thought for sure he would see it and think I was absolutely out of my mind. But I got lucky because he didn’t have a clue. After I was done brushing my teeth, I stared over at the test for a couple minutes. I couldn’t see the result from where I was standing, and for some reason I was frozen. I could not bring myself to walk over and look at the test. I was so afraid of being hurt and let down again. I knew that I would start crying and get a bit depressed once I saw the “Not Pregnant.” But, it had to be done. I took a deep breath and simultaneously walked over to the test. It read “Pregnant.”

If You’re Pregnant and You Know it Clap Your Hands
“Pregnant? What? Are you serious?” were the words that jumped around through my head. Like our first positive pregnancy test, it felt like an outer-body experience. I thought I was having de-jah-vue. Once it clicked to me, a process that felt like it took hours (but was really only a matter of seconds), I started crying and screaming Jason’s name repeatedly. He was in Lidia’s room reading her a book and yelled back, “WHAT?! Is everything OK?” I walked with a fast pace into Lidia’s room and slowly extended my arm with the test in it to Jason’s face. He looked at the test, dropped his mouth, and then looked at me. I seriously will have the image of his face at that moment permanently embedded in my brain. His smile literally went from ear to ear and he started dancing and giving me fist bumps (I’m laughing as I type this. Fist bumps are our thing.). Lidia got the biggest kick out of the scene we were making. She was smiling, laughing, and dancing, too. We were going to have a baby! Lidia was going to be a big sister! As we calmed down, we had a group hug and then Jason put Lidia to bed.

After Jason put her to bed, he came downstairs to find me sitting on the couch in a somewhat fetal position and grasping the positive pregnancy test like I was in danger of getting it ripped right out of my hand by a wild monkey. I told him to run to Walgreens to get me the best, most expensive brand of pregnancy test so we could officially get the result confirmed. 10 minutes later, a second, non-expired test confirmed it. We were pregnant. We were going to have another baby! We prayed to God and thanked him furiously for blessing us. Honestly, it is such a blessing and miracle to be pregnant. And as much as we can say that we planned it, it really wasn’t up to us. God had the bigger plan and he knew when it was the right time. And we trust Him more than any ovulation predictor computer software or sticks.

As we were lying in bed that night, Jason revealed to me that when he first heard me screaming his name, he thought I had lost a tooth. Apparently the last he knew is that I was brushing my teeth, and what other reason would I be yelling his name other than to alert him that I had lost a tooth. A very logical assumption, don’t you think? We both got a great laugh out of that one. So, as the idea of being pregnant sinks in every day, we are nothing short of excited to be on this journey again. And we would love to share it with you all again. Every moment, every feeling will be put out there for you. So take it all in – laugh and cry along with us. But most importantly, pray with us that we will have a healthy, bouncing baby boy…or girl? Stay tuned to find out…

Anyone interested in an unused pack of Ovulation Predictor Sticks?