9 Weeks - Where Nightmares, Not Dreams, Come True

Devastation. That is the only word suitable enough to describe the event that happened this week. If I could draw a picture of devastation, it would consist of a balloon floating happily up to the sky to reach it's destination and then out of nowhere, it pops, and the remains come plummeting back to the earth. This week, I received news that my best friend had experienced a miscarriage. She spent 8 grueling hours in the Emergency Room, and at one point lost consciousness. She was losing so much blood that she thought for sure she was hemorrhaging. After all was said and done, she was left physically and emotionally scared. 9 weeks she had housed a growing baby. And in 8 hours, it had all ended. While this is not my story to tell, it remains (and will remain) one of the most devastating events of my life. This is someone who I would die to protect. It pains me so much to see her so hurt physically and emotionally. Yes, it's true that she and her family will one day see the meaning of this - they will see God and Mother Nature's will. But right now, it's hard to understand why this would happen to her. She is young, healthy, and has nothing but love and good fortune to bring to a new life in this world. If anything, I am confident that she will again conceive and will never suffer this traumatic event again. In the mean time, she is focusing on her. I spoke to her the other day and she was tearful - but not about what you would think. She was shedding happy tears for the things that she has been blessed with - a loving husband and an amazing child. She has the resiliency of a child - she has the ability to take this experience and tuck it away without letting it effect her in the long term. This is one of the reasons why I've always emulated her. She is one of the most emotionally strong people that I know. Not because she doesn't cry or not because she chooses not to deal with trauma. It's actually the opposite - because she feels free to cry and she deals with issues head-on. And again, I will say it - pregnancy is not for the weak.

I'm not going to lie. I've been feeling some sort of survivor's guilt in the passing days. Asking myself, "Why didn't this happen to me?" And before I ask that question too much, I can't forget that it still could happen to me. There is nothing written in law that makes me immune to a miscarriage at this point. So I'm going to keep trucking on with my acid reflux, stomach bloat, cramping, and exhaustion. Because of those symptoms, I know our little peanut is trucking on, too.




Our Little Fetus

How's that for a milestone? This week, you've moved from being referred to as an embryo to an actual fetus. Your facial features are becoming more distinct and you have tiny muscles forming. Your father and I are anxiously awaiting our first doctor's appointment with you next week. You'll be 10 weeks old by then and hopefully we will be able to take a listen at your heart. And if not, there's always the fetal heart monitor that your mama just rented:) $24.00 a month is not a bad price to pay to get the reassurance of hearing that precious heartbeat. And knowing that we can hear your heartbeat now puts us one step closer to seeing your beautiful face. It's time to sign off now, sweet one. Keep growing healthy and always remember that we love you!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - 8 Weeks

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I

There are many things I have dreamed about in my life. I've dreamt about growing up. About marrying the man of my dreams and starting a family. I've wished and prayed for a best friend like no other best friend. The wake-up call is slowly hitting me. My dreams have come true. I found out this weekend that my best friend in the whole entire world, my soul mate, is expecting. And 2 days before us! How is that for a wake-up call on how blessed we are? What a dream it was to not only be pregnant together with our first children, but for it to happen again with baby number two!

And yes, we are both scared, as it is still early. You know this whole pregnancy thing is not for the weak. There are horror stories of miscarriages at 16 weeks and it makes me shiver with fear. Already 8 weeks pregnant, I feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me. I can't imagine losing this baby and how it would devastate my entire world. I am once again immersing myself in every pregnancy book I can find and every pregnancy web site I can google. Apparently, if a miscarriage were to happen at this point in pregnancy, it is to be seen as blessing. It means that the baby's genes are not forming as they should be, so mother nature steps in and ends the pregnancy while its still somewhat new. Miscarriages that happen later in the pregnancy are usually due to maternal health issues or the actual uterus, placenta, and/or amniotic sacs themselves. However, no one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen and most of the time, they are out of every one's control. So at this point the only intervention we can do is pray and pray harder. We pray that our babies are growing healthy and we continue to make good health choices. Not necessarily for us, but for the life growing inside of us. I read an article today where recently a woman found out she had cancer while she was pregnant. She opted to forgo any chemo treatment to protect the baby growing inside of her. Her baby was born 10 weeks premature and shortly after, the mother passed. Typing this makes me sad and my eyes are welling with tears. However, I'm sure that any other mother would have done the same. That's what we do - we protect our babies. We use whatever control we have to make sure our babies are safe, healthy, and well-cared for - even in utero. And we don't see it as a chore, we see it as a blessing. Because this is something we've always dreamed about - being a mother.

Symptoms

As far as nausea is concerned, I think I am feeling a bit better in that department, or I am just getting used to it. I still have that twinge of a gag reflex when I see something that doesn't look appetizing. And I'm no closer to cooking a meal that contains meat. But, I devoured some stuffed shells and baked ziti, which is a great sign! New pregnancy symptom alert: metal mouth. It's starting to go away, but for a couple weeks I had the taste of metal in my mouth. I had no idea it was a pregnancy symptom until I read it in, What to Expect When You're Expecting. And, of course, I've been lethargic and short of breath. I also remembered the importance of eating every two hours, as I got light-headed and sweaty one day this week due to low blood sugar (I hadn't eaten for 4 hours). Some good old crackers and soup cured that! And finally, I'm smiling a lot more this week - does that count as a pregnancy symptom?

You are Berry Wonderful


My little active one! Apparently, you have been down there flailing your arms and legs. Obviously, I cannot feel you moving around, but boy am I ever anxious to! You are working your way up to being an inch long, though you haven't hit that milestone yet. And, you are beginning to form taste buds. I can't wait for you to taste your nonno's famous meatballs, your mamaw's awesome enchiladas, and your grandma Schneider's amazing homemade ravioli's!

This week we've been talking a bit about what your name will be. We've got some good ideas floating out there! Also this week, your older sister keeps saying, "Baby peanut OK." We're not quite sure where she got this from, and she doesn't phrase it as a question. It's almost like she's reassuring daddy and me that you are doing just fine. Keep hanging in there my dear! We can't wait for a couple short weeks when we will get to hear the lovely tune of your heart beating. We love you!

I'll Give You Something to Worry About - 7 Weeks

As I write this blog, I realize how truly blessed I have been throughout my life. Yes, there were some rough times, some scary times, and some times where I felt like God was personally punishing me. As I linger on the phrase, "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle," I realize that instead of dishing that advice out to others, I now have to learn to apply it to my own life.

While pregnant with Lidia, I worried all the time. I worried when she didn't move as much as usual, I worried about all the things that could possibly go wrong, I just worried. I remember hearing people say, "Just wait until she's born, the worrying will get worse." But I literally couldn't wait until she was born for the mere fact that I could see her and I could protect her. So many of the unfortunate tragedies that happen to babies in the womb can not be prevented. They just happen without warning and sometimes without cause. I'm all about the idea of control, which is one of the many reasons I am fearful of flying.

I wouldn't consider myself a true hypochondriac, but I do worry about myself and my health. This is the anxiety that plagues me on a daily basis. This very fact baffles me when it comes to the next chain of events. Back in May, I began noticing some pain in my lower left abdomen. It didn't feel like a digestive issue, and I thought for sure it had something to do with my woman parts. I made an appointment with my OB, but then cancelled the appointment because the pain seemed to dissipate. Throughout the next couple of months, the pain would come and go. It wouldn't cause too much trouble, it was just sore. When I would get into my car or have to have a seat any other way than my butt hitting the chair on a straight vertical trajectory, I would have to grimace in pain for a couple of seconds, but then the pain would vanish. After I returned from my trip to San Diego (about two weeks ago), I decided to finally make an appointment with my family doctor. Perhaps it wasn't woman issues, maybe it was digestive issues.

I wasn't sure what to expect going into the appointment. I guess I just wanted reassurance that I was OK. Being pregnant had almost made the pain worse, so I was hoping the doctor would have a treatment plan for me. After describing my symptoms, she was almost positive that I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS. As she was leaving, she hesitated for a moment and said, "You know, you're pregnant. I think I would feel better ordering you an ultrasound so we can completely rule out an ectopic pregnancy." I was disturbed at the thought of an ectopic pregnancy, but was relieved that we were finally getting to the bottom of this pain. I left the office with my ultrasound appointment scheduled for 10 days later.

Going into the appointment, I honestly was not worried. I really did not think I had an ectopic pregnancy, after reading all of the facts about it on the web. I was more so excited to actually get a glimpse of our baby so early. We had to wait until 20 weeks gestation with Lidia to get a peek at her. Being able to get a peek at 6 weeks, 5 days was amazing to me. So, I went on with my daily routine until this day, the day when everything changed.

The ultrasound was a fairly quick process. The ultrasound technician immediately found the baby cozzied up in my uterus, right where baby should be. She focused in on the heartbeat, and it was going steady at 118 beats per minute. At this moment the pregnancy actually clicked with me. Tears started to spontaneously fall from my eyes and I was just so gosh darn happy. The ultrasound tech was doing the ultrasound on my belly, how most ultrasounds are done. However, she was unable to locate my left ovary. She was able to find my right ovary and it checked out just fine. She noticed that my bladder seemed full through the ultrasound so she recommended that I "empty" it and return back for a transvaginal ultrasound. I went to go relieve myself, but there was a slight problem - there was no relieving to be done. I thought that was rather odd and reported it back to the ultrasound tech. I was for sure I had to go and she even saw it on the ultrasound...or did she?

I had never had a transvaginal ultrasound done before this day. Want to know what it is? Google it. It's not such a pleasant experience. So, as I'm sitting there thinking everything is OK and thinking about how my diet is going to have to change to control my IBS symptoms, I was thrown a curve ball - literally. The ultrasound tech discovered a large cyst growing on my left ovary, whose size she compared to a baseball. This cyst is what she thought was my full bladder, and explains why I wasn't able to "empty" it. It was 7 cm in diameter. And I was totally freaked. As she recorded all of the measurements of this alien growing inside of me, I was trying to conceive the notion of this new finding. She explained that this cyst could be the reason why it took us a bit longer to get pregnant this time, as the chance of me actually ovulating from that ovary were slim to none. As she left to go get the sonogram doctor (I'm sure he has a more official title), I texted Jason the news. Soon after, the doctor came in the room to explain the meaning of this cyst.

"Torsion." "Rupture." "Surgery." "I don't think it's cancerous." The doctor threw those words out there and like a magnet, they immediately stuck to me. Apparently, this nice little cyst has been growing in me at least since my first signs of pain in May. Had I not been pregnant at the time of discovery, there were several options of treatment they could have done. Now that I am pregnant and the cyst is so large, treatment will have to be put on hold indefinitely. The first question I asked him was if he had seen healthy, full-term pregnancies with women who had cysts as large as mine. His immediate response was, "Many." But of course, if it keeps growing, twists, or ruptures, surgery will be necessary and immediate. The scenario we are all hoping for is that Mr. Baseball stays 7 cm and does not grow, twist, or rupture. If that happens, then my pregnancy will be as normal as it was with Lidia. I will have to be monitored on a more consistent basis (ultrasounds, blood tests, etc.) and I will have to "man up" and deal with the pain. The doctor doesn't believe it is cancerous because it is mostly fluid-filled, the walls that border the ovary are thin, and I am considered young (though I surely do not feel it).

I cannot put into words the feelings I had as I left this appointment. I was laughing and crying and because of this, I thought I was headed to the loony bin. I was so happy that our baby was in my uterus and thriving, but I was so scared. The "what-if" scenarios kept replaying in my head and I couldn't stop them. I called Jason crying. Like a man, he was mad. And I think if you really probed him, he was just mad that this was happening to me - to us.

And 1 week later, our feelings still haven't changed much. We've let the news be known to more people than we wanted to at this time, but only because we desperately need the support and prayers of family and friends. And given my past "hypochondriacism," I still don't understand why I didn't address the problem months ago. Because if I had, then we wouldn't be in the situation that we are in now. Which leads me to my first lesson of this pregnancy - always trust your instincts, despite what others may think of you. I won't be able to meet with my OB until Oct. 28th, but I am hopeful that I will leave her office with a better outlook and a game plan. Even though I want to curse and yell at her for not being able to meet with me earlier, I have to trust that if it was that terrible, then she would have demanded to see me sooner.

You know the old saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" I would like to relate this to my cyst, my frenemy. If I do good things for it, it may do good things for me. While I absolutely hate the fact that it is in me and causing me pain, if I can find ways to live with it then we all will be happier.

So, like I wrote in Lidia's blog - no pregnancy is like another. Even your own pregnancies are very different. And already baby peanut is making his/her statement of individuality. And here baby is, as individual as he/she can be. Baby peanut, you are beautiful.

Symptoms

I am so grateful that I wrote a blog with Lidia. I've been perusing her blog during this pregnancy to get an idea if what I am feeling is matching up to what I felt before. I am utterly exhausted, sick all day, and so bloated that I feel like I look 5 months pregnant. I feel like all of these symptoms are 10 times worse than the symptoms I had with Lidia. Again, it might be the amnesia kicking in, or perhaps its my baseball that is intensifying the symptoms. None-the-less, they are here and they are making themselves be known. I spend 10 minutes in the cafeteria everyday contemplating which soup makes me want to throw up less. And in terms of meat, I might as well become a vegetarian because the thought of chicken, turkey, or anything that walks or blinks an eye makes me want to hurl.

In complaining about my symptoms to a neighbor, she reminded me, "You know, those symptoms mean that your pregnancy is going as it should and that your baby is healthy." That statement struck a chord with me and ever since then I have been trying to be thankful that I even have symptoms. Luckily, I have my dear, sweet Lidia and my devoted husband to keep my mind off my symptoms and focused on life in the present. And what a present we are about to be gifted in 225 days.

Blueberry

Things have been pretty busy for you down there, peanut! You are now the size of a blueberry, at 1/2 an inch long. Your heart and brain are continuing to grow and your arm and leg joints are forming. Already, your eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin are taking their place. I certainly cannot wait to squeeze those cheeks of yours!

Baby peanut, we cannot wait to welcome you into our family. Your daddy is already anxious to get your room set up. Mommy can't wait to hold you while rocking in your rocking chair. And Lidia can't wait to teach you all the cool stuff she knows! Keep growing my dear, and know that we feel so blessed and thankful for every week that you are still with us.

Amnesia - 6 Weeks

I am convinced that pregnancy and child birth are the most stressful events a person has to go through in a lifetime. Not only is it physically taxing, it taxes a person's emotional well-being, too. After Lidia was born, I remember thinking on a daily basis, "Why on earth would someone put themselves through this again?!" Well it's all crystal clear now. It seems that the good Lord above puts us women under some sort of amnesiac spell. All of the pain and feelings are forgotten and brushed off as, "Oh, that wasn't so bad." And then, the husband is looking a little sexy one night and 6 weeks later it all comes crashing back to you.

Yes, I'm here at the 6th week and I'm nauseous as ever. There's no morning sickness or nighttime sickness this time - its all-of-the-time sickness. I can't seem to catch a break. My aversions are starting and boy are they ruthless this time around. Anything sweet - even yogurt - makes me want to find the nearest toilet and bury my head in it. The only thing I can think of at this time that doesn't make my stomach turn is orange Gatorade and soup. But, I'm making a point to suck it up and eat as healthy as I can. This evening, I was making a salad to go with dinner and it took all I had to put the fork to my mouth and eat it. After it was done, I was fine. But thinking about it now brings me one step closer to the trash can. Its amazing how quickly the body registers pregnancy. My good friend, constipation, has decided to show his face again already and exhaustion has hit me like a 10 ton load of bricks. Couple these fabulous symptoms with a 2 year-old and you've got yourself a completely different pregnancy than before. On weekends, I get the ability to nap while Lidia's napping, which takes care of the exhaustion problem. However, during the week, I'm not even remotely able to think about taking a nap. So, I just have to power through it. And honestly, I love playing with Lidia after work and she actually helps rev up my energy, so let's hope it continues that way.

Other than looking and feeling like I'm 5 months pregnant (I've got the first trimester bloat big-time), this pregnancy is still pretty much under wraps. We're going to keep this to ourselves a little longer than last time (and yes, I've told a couple people - you know me!). Even though Lidia is one smart cookie, I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand what is going on. If you ask her what is in mommy's belly, she will tell you. But, she never brings it up herself so I'm pretty confident we don't have to worry about her spilling the beans...at least yet.

One last thing to mention, I've been having a lot of abdominal pain lately. So much so that I have to sit down gently so as to not aggravate my lower abdomen more than it already is. I went to my family doctor and she is convinced it is IBS issues, but wanted to schedule an ultra-sound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is one that was unable to move to the uterus and resides in the fallopian tube, which creates a lot of pain. Of course, we are very optimistic that this is not the case. But, I couldn't turn down the opportunity to take a sneak peak at the little one so early. Hopefully I'll have picture to share next blog. :)

Our Little Peanut
I titled this blog "Little Peanut" because it was the first term your father referred to you as he kissed my belly for the first time. We are so beyond thrilled to be expecting you in 9 months, baby. We are already planning for you - thinking about who your babysitter will be, what room we will place you in, and all the fun things we can do together. Your big sister Lidia is so enthralled with babies so we are confident that she will be ecstatic to have you in her life. It's been only 6 weeks but we are so attached to you already, little one!

It's so fun to read about how you are growing, my dear. You are already a quarter-inch long and your heart is beating! Your entire body is being formed as I type - from your lungs to your fingers, there are special cells that are being set aside for each beautiful part of you.

I'm very excited to get to see you this week! I hope you are cozying up well in my warm belly. If you are anything like your sister, you may get so cozy that you don't want to leave.

It's time to sign off now, my dear. Keep growing healthy and know that your mommy, daddy, and sissy love you more than anything. Night night!