14 Weeks - I Need Motivation

Motivation is a gold-mine. Every time someone or something figures out how to motivate people, it usually ends up pretty profitable for the motivator. Take, for example, all of the advertisements and commercials around New Year's time about weight loss and diet modification. Every person that Weight Watchers motivates, the more money they get to put into their piggy bank. Motivation is a very tricky concept to understand. Everyone's motivation differs, and it can be different at different points in someones life.

Let's take, for example, my pregnancies. When pregnant with Lidia, I was motivated to stay fit. I had a goal - to run the Flying Pig 5K - and I stuck to that goal. And it was even more of an incentive that we were going to reveal the gender and name of our baby on that day. That is what I needed to motivate myself to stay fit. And the reason why I wanted to stay fit during pregnancy was the many health benefits: it helps prevent gestational diabetes, it helps to build up endurance for the grueling job of labor and delivery, it aids in shedding the baby weight after pregnancy, it reduces the chance of swelling up like a blimp, and it staves off baby blues and pumps up your mood. All the books and web sites about pregnancy will advise a woman who is healthy and has a healthy pregnancy to exercise at least 30 minutes a day. Supposedly, exercise while pregnant keeps your baby healthy, too. And I'll have to tell you, I enjoyed running while pregnant with Lidia just to prove wrong the people who thought I couldn't do it. It wasn't a struggle for me to stay fit with Lidia's pregnancy - I had motivation.

So where, oh where, has my motivation gone? I've looked for it everywhere  - on the elliptical, outside, at Jason's health club. But for some reason, I just can't find it in this pregnancy. My thighs rubbing together while I walk, my inability to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, nor my aches and pains have been enough to motivate me. I want something to blame for my lack of motivation and I think I have it  - I don't have a goal. I have learned in my life that I am someone who relies on goals to get things done. The Flying Pig 5K was a goal that I set while pregnant with Lidia to help me stay fit. And the next year, the Flying Pig 10K was the goal I needed to shed the extra baby weight. This past year, the Flying Pig Relay was a goal I set just to maintain my health. Now, I have no goal. By the time the 2012 Flying Pig rolls around, I will be 9 months pregnant. I am all for working out while pregnant, but I am realistic and know that at 9 months pregnant I will have no desire, nor the physical ability to run a race. It will be January when we will find out the gender and name of this baby, and I'm not sure you could pay me to run a race outside in freezing weather. So, I am stuck goalless.  I ask a favor of you - if you happen to find my motivation or my goal, can you please let me know? Because this little lady and this little baby need it back, and pronto. I'm even willing to pay you money.

Lemon Squeeze

Hey there my sweet little lemon! Are you really closing in on 3.5 inches? Your growth is truly remarkable. Now that we are able to hear your heartbeat, more and more I find myself longing to feel you moving in me. You certainly have poofed mommy out in the past couple weeks - so much so that I've been liberal in sharing the news about you. Everyone that we tell about your impending arrival is so excited, peanut! I have had almost everyone predict that you are a boy. The only ones who thinks you're a girl at this point is your daddy and your sister. As we tell everyone, we will be so completely thrilled no matter what accessory you are found wearing when we get our 20 week ultrasound. And yes, we could pay to have a specialty place spill the gender beans a bit earlier, but we would rather wait to see you in 3D when you are bigger - around 32 weeks.

Now, you are growing little hairs all over your body (called lanugo) to keep your warm in mommy's belly. You are also wiggling and jiggling your toes down there - how cute! Other than that, every part of your body is working on growing and building up efficiency.

I know that we said that we would have the possible names for you this week, but to be honest, your father and I have only agreed on one name so far. So we are going to give it another week and then we will release the name choices to the general public.

Goodnight my sweet one and know that I think of you often and with a smile. I love you.

13 Weeks - Don't Worry About a Thing, Cuz Every Little Thing is Gonna Be Alright

"When the really terrible things happen, we start begging the god we believe in to bring back the little horrors, and take away this. It seems quaint now, doesn't it? The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage. Would it've helped if we could see what else was coming?" - Meredith on Grey's Anatomy

Trauma is all subjective. I feel that trauma is watching your  2-year old daughter get wrapped up in a straight jacket - screaming, crying, and kicking -  while a team of nurses holds her down in an attempt to find a good vein to draw blood from and insert an IV. However, others may not view this as traumatic. Those days when I thought I was having a bad day - an angry coworker, a flat tire, another unexpected bill - were not really bad days. All of those "little" things that happen fail in comparison to all the horrid things that could happen. You know, sometimes I really believe that God puts us in difficult situations, in which we face adversity, to remind us to not sweat the small stuff. That extra $20 for a parking ticket or even that $180 speeding ticket are nothing compared to what stresses you could be facing. And stress, to say the least,  is what we faced in this 13th week.

On Saturday, I would have loved a speeding ticket. Even a broken leg or arm. If I had to choose those things over my daughter being so sick that she had to be admitted to the hospital, I would have in an instant. I would have given anything to be that person laying in the hospital bed rather than her.  Lidia has what is referred to as Reactive Airway Disorder - which is basically asthma. We have no idea how she contracted this, because it runs nowhere in our families. Doctors seem so perplexed with this when we tell them that there is no medical history. Anyhow, Lidia develops her asthma when she contracts a rough virus. She has had these episodes once a month for the past 4 months. Jason and I feel like seasoned pros in handling her episodes. That's why on Saturday night, when another episode was brewing, we thought for sure we could handle it. We tried her rescue inhaler, we sat with her in the steamy, dark bathroom with the shower blaring, we had Vicks vapo rubbed her feet, chest, and back, we cranked up her humidifier, and we had even plugged in her Vicks Vapo plug-in. But after 10 hours of trying everything, we had given up. Her neck and stomach muscles were working so hard to breathe. She could barely speak a word. Her nostrils were flarring. At this point, she needed saved - and fast.

Jason sped us through stop signs and stoplights and screeched into Cincinnati Children's Emergency Room. Normally, one would expect to wait for at least an hour to be seen - but this was not true on this day. They took one look at Lidia and she was immediately brought back to a room. Her heart rate was speeding at 180 beats per minute (a child her age should have a heart rate of 110 to 120 beast per minute - max), her oxygen level was going from 91 to 89 and dropping, and her respiratory rate was at a dangerous level. After 3 breathing treatments, she showed no signs of improvement. She was being manhandled by 5 different doctors in the ER. At one point, Lidia looked up at me and said, "We need Dr. Pappas." Dr. Papas is Lidia's pediatrician and she adores him. She knew, as well as we did, that Dr. Pappas would have had an answer a lot quicker than these folks. However, we were stuck. Some of the doctors heard wheezing in her lungs, some did not. Through it all, Lidia was screaming and crying. She was finding no comfort in the things that usually gave her comfort - her blankie, mommy's kisses, daddy's warm embrace. After we saw the ER doctors scratching their heads, they decided to get x-rays of her lungs. This was the 3rd time in 4 months Lidia had to get x-rays. She knew what was coming and she was not a fan. As we were about to enter the x-ray room, I notified the technician that I was pregnant and in no time I was left standing alone while the door closed in my face. It was so painful to hear her crying for her mommy. I couldn't help but bow down, put my head in my hands, and cry. Control freak I am - and this was a situation I had no control over. After her x-rays came back, there was again discrepancies in the doctors' opinions. The radiologist saw clean lungs, the doctors saw haziness. While the experts paced the hall, unsure of what exactly was ailing Lidia, Lidia wasn't getting any better. After 4 hours, it was then decided she would be admitted while they determined a diagnosis and a treatment plan.

Jason and I had been in touch with our parents at this point. I was able to call Jason's mom and explain the situation. But for some reason, as soon as I phoned my mom and heard her voice, I couldn't speak. She immediately caught on that something was wrong and I burst into tears. In the background, struggling to even utter a single word, Lidia said, "What's wrong with mama?" My mom was everything I needed her to be for me - strong. I, however, could no longer be strong for Lidia. I had a moment of weakness in front of her and I feel terrible about it, even now. I showed her how scared I was, when what she needed was for me to be stoic and optimistic. Instead of focusing on how lucky we were to be at one of the nation's top children's hospitals, I was pitying us for even being there in the first place. Jason, of course, was Lidia's rock. When he is worried and stressed, no one would know it. However, I do. He won't speak much, he doesn't smile, and he rarely makes eye contact with anyone. Though stressed, Jason was Lidia's hero that day - and mine, too.

Once we got comfortable in our room, Lidia's nurse immediately came and filled the room with smiles and optimism. Lidia, of course, had her fill of doctors and nurses by this point, so she wasn't warming up too quick. The nurse explained that the doctors in charge of Lidia needed to get blood work for labs so they could have more evidence to make a proper diagnosis. It took 3 nurses to hold her down, but they eventually got what they needed. Time went by in the little hospital room. The clock ticked furiously while we waited for something - anything - that would help our baby. Then finally, lab results were ready. The doctor explained that Lidia had an elevated white blood cell count, 21,000, and that they were able to positively identify cells as bacterial. The doctors then were able to diagnose her with bacterial pneumonia. A round of IV fluids and antibiotics were ordered for her. Which again meant that she had to be held down for a IV port to be inserted on the back of her hand.

Us, and the doctors, were confident that Lidia was on her way to getting better. However, after hours had passed, her vitals were still not where they would have liked them to be. Lidia was exhausted and had fallen asleep in my arms. We would be staying the night while they kept a watchful eye on her.

Ah, this blog is getting rather long, isn't it? And it's getting a bit depressing. How about we fast forward to the good stuff. After the second day of Lidia not getting better, one of the doctor's in her pediatrician's office recommended that they try another breathing treatment. They had not tried a breathing treatment since she was first in the ER. What a novel idea! So a respiratory therapist was brought in, the breathing treatment was given, and within minutes, it was smack-in-the-face obvious that our baby was breathing better. She got to meet her new pulmonary specialist doctors, who we will be visiting quite frequently in the next couple of months. Lidia was finally given an inhaled daily steroid to prevent these episodes from happening again. After about 5 more hours of consistent and stable vitals, Lidia was ready to go home.And so were we. We walked out of the hospital, wind blowing in our hair, Jason holding Lidia, and me holding Jason's hand. We were laughing as Lidia was talking up a storm and asking for Dora fruit snacks. We were back - and better than ever.

You know, maybe God gives us these experiences so we can absolutely cherish the small things in life. Breathing fresh air. Sleeping in our own beds. Being healthy. Housing a healthy, growing life. And finding out that our baseballs have shrunk to the size of ping-pong balls. Yes, that's right. We found out this week that Mr. Baseball had defined all odds. He is slowly fading away and for that I thank God profusely. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. I had a small bit of time to sneak away from the hospital when Lidia was getting better. I had an ultrasound and got to see our precious, beautiful baby. Peanut was in there, cross-legged, sucking his/her thumb. Peanut was moving all around, as usual. The ultrasound technician found my cyst, but I wasn't given the good news until I met with the OB. She gave the official results - the cyst had shrunk from 7 cm down to 2 cm. And she seemed pretty positive that it would keep shrinking.

Give me a person who doesn't believe in Jesus and God and I will recount this day to him/her. Tell me that prayers don't work and I will tell you that 2 of our prayers were answered within hours of one another. Tell me that going to mass and actually living out the virtues doesn't work and I will bring you back to this day. Jesus is real. Prayers work. So start believing, and start praying. And most importantly, start cherishing those small things in life, and stop sweating the small stuff.

Peach Fuzzies

Hi my sweet love. I am so sorry I could not handle my stress these past couple of days. I am hoping that you stayed strong and spent time growing and learning new things. Mommy's doctor reminded me that I need to take better care of myself as the care I take for me makes a direct impact on you. As you know, mommy got to sneak away from the hospital for a couple of hours to see you. Below, you will see the sweet picture that I hold close to my heart. When I got back to the hospital after seeing you, the first thing Lidia asked me was to see baby peanut. She loves you already, sweet baby.

I'm so happy that you have more room to grow down there. And growing you are! Look at you - you are nearly 3 inches in length. As we enter this second trimester, your body is doing amazing things. Can you believe that you are already going peepee in there? A big thing that I have been reading in my books and web sites is that you already have unique, one-of-a-kind fingerprints. Your intestines, which have been housed in your umbilical cord up to this point, are making their way to your abdomen.

Daddy and I are narrowing down the names we have for you. I'm thinking next week we may post the possibilities and have the readers let us know what their favorites are. We can't stop thinking about you, peanut. Keep growing healthy down there and we will do everything on our end to make sure that you get whatever you need. We love you!

Week 12 - Workin' Nine to Five

Workin' nine to five
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin' and no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it

Oh Dolly, I couldn't have said it better. Even though my hours are 8:15-4:30, the meaning of the lyrics don't change. I  work because it brings me great satisfaction. I get a huge high off of completing tasks and achieving goals that I set for myself at work. I don't really need anyone else to pat me on the back (though it is nice). My arms do a pretty good job at reaching around and patting my own self. However, work has become just that - work. Ever since I went back to work after Lidia was born, my priorities have shifted a bit. I no longer work for selfish reasons - I work to support my family and to positively influence my child. My choice to continue working wasn't an easy one. The weekend before I went back to work after Lidia, I had a fool-proof plan of how Jason and I could have made it work with just his income. Looking back, it was more of a foolISH plan that included eating bread and rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just didn't want to leave my baby. I was finding myself where I find myself often in life - on the diving board, not moving. I just needed someone to push me off, and that someone was Jason.

I cannot speak for stay-at-home moms, nor do I have any right to judge that decision. Because I, too, made a decision. The decision was to go back to work, full-time, after Lidia. Now, there were, of course, stipulations. I needed every bit of the 3 months that I got to spend with her. I needed this for bonding, for breastfeeding, and for Lidia. Without that 3 months, I don't know that I could have managed going back to work. And for that, I am grateful. I'm even more grateful for working at such a family-centered University, and working for such a family-centered boss. Even knowing this, you will never hear me say that it was easy to go back. It was like Lidia and I were magnetically connected. Whenever we weren't together, we both had to put so much strength into staying in our respective places. We braced ourselves for the 8 hours that we were apart. Then, when it was time for us to reunite, we connected immediately and it was like we were never apart. Of course, the days got easier as time went by. But every now and then, that maternal guilt crept up - and still does. The bad days that happen to us all - workplace drama, making mistakes - make me sometimes question why I choose to subject myself to this insanity instead of spending my days having tea parties and park dates. But, it only takes a few days for reality to set in. I tell myself - and everybody else - that I wouldn't be able to be the mother that I am without working. I am a workin' woman - I need work for emotional and financial reasons. And for me to be happy and to be the best mother that Lidia and baby peanut deserve, then I need to continue working. I want to set a good example for them, too. I want them to know that being a woman doesn't mean you have to succomb to the traditional roles of domestication. I am the antithesis of the traditional, domestic woman. I kept my maiden name, I work, I rarely cook, and my house has dust bunnies and black animal hairs all over it (I try, but darn it's hard!). Something's gotta give - it can't be expected that a woman can work 40 hours a week and still have time to spend quality time with her child while putting a 4 course meal on a sparkling clean table in a sparkling clean home. I would much rather spend time coloring Care Bears coloring pages, playing with Play-Doh, and riding the tricycle than cleaning and cooking. Thankfully for me, my husband is 100% agreeable to this notion. I can honestly say that Jason and I are equally split across the board - we put in equal time with Lidia, we share equal financial responsibilities, we share household responsibilities equally. If this didn't happen, I don't think it would be possible for me to work. Yes, I will continue to work after baby peanut makes his/her charming debut. Yes, I will need my 3 months of baby peanut and me time. And finally, I'll need my 2-30 minute pumping sessions at work for a year. But that's really all I ask for.

Working moms will always have their children on their minds - no matter how important the task at hand is. We will most definitely always drop an opportunity to "move-up" if it means being able to spend more time with our children. Nothing - and I mean nothing - in the world beats the feeling when I go to pick Lidia up from school. Seeing her eyes light up, smiling ear-to-ear, and screamming over and over, "mommy, mommy!" as she runs to me at full speed with her arms reached out elicits a feeling in me that I can't even put into words. She reinforces my confidence in my decision every day. Maybe it's my maternal guilt that allows my justification for being a working mom make sense. Whatever it is, it's working. And I'm not one for messing with things that work.

Plum-tastic!

Baby peanut, you are the size of a plum! Can you believe that? We had the ultimate pleasure of hearing your heartbeat for the first time this week. That little handy-dandy fetal heart doppler is one cool, little tool! Of course, we wanted you to see it, so we posted the video below for you (make sure you turn your volume up!).

Each week, you are growing stronger and stronger. Yes, all of your systems have developed by now, and we are very thankful. Over the course of the next months, your body will spend most of its time building up what's already there, as well as putting more meat on your little bones. A funny note - if I push on my tummy, you will most likely move in response because your reflexes are building. This is so exciting to mommy!

I cannot say it enough how truly blessed we feel to have you with us, peanut. You bring so much joy to our lives already. I can't even imagine how much joy you will add when you finally arrive. But, we are willing to wait, my dear. You need all the time you can get in that cozy womba (not a typo) of mine. Great rewards are worth waiting for, peanut.

11 Weeks - Hey Soul Sister

I think it's an important fact to know that while churning out my weekly blogs, a most essential part of my creation is the music to which I listen. Music has always inspired me from day one. I have memories of sitting in my basement at a young age spending hours upon hours just listening and belting out lyrics to music. My favorite was the Annie soundtrack. I loved popping that record in and playing it, making sure the needle got placed just right so I could listen to my favorite song, "It's a hard knocked life." I remember popping in the Cyndi Lauper tape and belting out "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," and "Time After Time." My mom says that I could have listened to Ms. Lauper for hours. I often lost myself in these songs and felt that each one could apply to my life at any given moment. When writing my nightly journal entries as a young girl, music was always in the background. Music is my muse. And throughout this blog, Pandora has been my savior. Specifically, the Hey Soul Sister station. It's just the type of music that I need to dig down deep.

This blog is turning into being a more soul-cleansing, soul-searching blog. Whereas Lidia's blog focused on the goings-on in our lives, this blog is trending towards the goings-on within my head. Not what I had planned, but I think it's working out. And speaking of soul-cleansing, I have something I would like to share:

An Open Letter of Apology to My Husband

Dear Jason Matthew,

Throughout the past 11 weeks, you have been nothing short of patient, kind, selfless and caring when it comes to me. All of those nights where I've laid, lifeless, due to extreme fatigue and nausea - you didn't raise one eyebrow. You are like superman - you fly in and fix dinner, do the dishes, entertain and educate our daughter, take the dogs out, clean out the cat box, do the laundry, sweep the floors, clean the toilets, pack our lunches, make sure that I'm drinking water, get me Tums, go on Wendy's runs (because a baked potato was the only thing I could stomach to eat that day), the list is endless. And what have I done in the past 11 weeks? I've spent most of it complaining, worrying, and laying down. I don't remember thanking you or telling you how much I appreciate everything you have sacrificed for me, Lidia, and baby peanut. That just makes me feel the complete opposite of what you are - selfish, mean, uncaring, and impatient. So for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for all the times my hormones have gotten the better of me in the past 11 weeks. I hope that in your heart of hearts, you know that this is not me. I am an energetic person who loves to make you happy. It is so amazing to me that pregnancy can do this to a person. But, my darling, not to worry. In a couple short weeks, I will be out of the first trimester. As each day approaches towards the 13-week mark, I can feel myself slowly gaining the momentum of old Amy. Soon, I'll be back, my love. I'll be back to chasing you and Lidia around the house, going on nightly walks, and laughing so hard that we cry. And when I'm back, I owe you a ton. You are amazing. You are my angel and I am truly blessed by the Good Lord above to have you as my husband, the father of our children, my soul mate, forever.

Love,

Amy Louise

Lime!

Baby peanut-can you believe you are now the size of a lime? You are nearing the 2 inch mark and your growth continues to amaze me. To think, you were the size of a poppy seed only 8 weeks ago! You have all of the features of a full-term baby at this point. You are also moving with such fluidity at this point. Keep moving and grovin' my darlin'!

You are so sweet, my little lime. I have been daydreaming about you. In 9 short weeks (maybe even shorter if we're lucky!), we will be able to call you by name. And then, you'll be half-way home. We can't wait to meet you! As always, keep growing healthy and we'll keep praying for your health. We love you!

10 Weeks - I Need a Sign to Let Me Know You're Here

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

I can tell things are starting to normalize again in our lives. Our worlds are creating a new normal - but it's becoming familiar now. As I reflect on how Jason and I were debating over cribs this week and not stressing about peanut's health, I realize that we have let our worry go. And Sunday - what a day. I haven't had a day like Sunday in a while. I was relaxed, but motivated to do work and play with Lidia. I had energy (but still took a nap) and had a refreshing outlook on the world. The Steelers won their game, the Bengals won theirs - our worlds were in harmony.

The number one event that can be attributed to this new-found normal is our doctor's appointment on Friday. I was giddy and nervous for this appointment. I had been counting down the days. As we entered that oh-so-familiar place that is our OB-GYN office, I realized that I had really missed it there. And I think the reason why is that at the culmination of all of my visits, I got to take home my beautiful baby, Lidia. Now, the same sweet anticipation returned. What a reward it will be to again walk out with another beautiful, healthy baby.

The first thing was first - weight check. I happened to weigh in at the same exact weight as I was when I had Lidia's first prenatal appointment. Then, it was pee-in-a-cup time and finally blood pressure check. After these routine procedures, (procedures I will be doing at every appointment) we were escorted back to our room. On our way back, I glanced up at the pictures of all the babies that our practice had delivered and immediately my eyes were brought to Lidia's birth announcement. I was almost brought to tears by this, and literally stopped in my tracks to stare at her beauty, while at the same time envisioning our next bundle of joy stapled right along next to her. We then arrived in our room and here Jason and I anxiously awaited the arrival of our doctor. And how ironic that our appointment was with the same doctor that we met with first when pregnant with Lidia, as well as the doctor who delivered Lidia. Dr. Rinala walked into our exam room with a smile on her face and a big "Congratulations! You guys are switching it up with a Spring baby instead of a Fall one!" And almost immediately my nerves were calmed by her. She went on to explain all the implications of my cyst to Jason and I. She ordered us to not worry about the cyst - that she is the one who is to do the worrying. She assured us that any intervention that needed to be done - including surgery - would not affect the baby. I told her that I like numbers and asked her to give me some stats. She said that she has dealt with many women in my same position. And the likelihood of me having a miscarriage at this point is no higher than anyone else's. In fact, there is only a 3% chance of a miscarriage at this point in anyone's pregnancy. Praise the Lord! After this discussion, Jason and I felt that peanut was safe - and in good hands.

This news could have satisfied us enough. But Dr. Rinala gave us a present for which we will be forever thankful. You see, one of the 7 doctors in the practice, Dr. Wurzbacher, had notified me in my pregnancy with Lidia that Dr. Rinala had written and underlined VERY ANXIOUS in my notes. At this visit, I have a feeling that Dr. Rinala knew that it would bring much peace to Jason and I to see baby peanut. And, a funny tidbit was that she actually referred to peanut as "peanut" without us even mentioning it to her. She said, "Let's take a quick peak at peanut." Peanut's entire body then glowed on the ultrasound screen. Peanut was bouncing around and moving his/her hands and legs. Dr. Rinala narrowed in on peanut's heartbeat and it was strong and steady. Then, like magic, it was almost as if mine and Jason's heartbeats synced up to peanuts and became strong and steady, too. To conclude, Dr. Rinala explained that we would be getting an ultrasound at every visit to monitor the cysts' growth - which would in turn lead to a most inevitable peak at baby.

We walked out of there with our next appointment - November 21st - and our new normal begun. We are now a family of 3 with one on the way. No matter what complications may arise from this point on, there is a baby in me. A human who has established every organ by this point. It is our child and we are it's parents no matter what, for the rest of our lives. And we will thank God every day of our lives for that - for them.



And I couldn't let this blog post be published without a Halloween picture. We had a blast!

Symptoms

Hey, I'm feeling pretty good! Yes, not completely normal - but good, comparably! Acid reflux - check; bloat - check; constipation - (double) check; nauseousness - check (but only in the evenings). New symptom alert - boobie soreness. Sorry Jason - hands off for awhile! My appetite is slowly regaining momentum. Today I was able to eat a veggie sushi roll, which is a huge step! I think some turkey chili may even be on the menu for dinner (if Jason's lucky!).

I Love You

Hey there, prunie! Apparently, you are starting to grow hair now. If you are anything like your sister, your hair won't start growing until you're about 15 months. But, you could prove us wrong and come out with a full head of hair, which I would welcome! Your bones and cartilage are forming now and your little teethers are taking their place. It was such a blessing to be able to see you this week, peanut. You looked so cute hanging out in mommy's womb. You've begun swallowing some amniotic fluid, and it may start to taste like what mommy is eating. Hope you like sushi:)

I am so proud of you, peanut. You have withstood all of the stress mommy went through on her trip to San Diego, as well as the stress of the cyst with whom you have to share space. You seem to be almost oblivious to the stresses that have been going on, which is fabulous. You are one tough cookie, peanut. Keep growing healthy and know that mommy and daddy are anxiously awaiting our next sneak peak at your beautiful face!

9 Weeks - Where Nightmares, Not Dreams, Come True

Devastation. That is the only word suitable enough to describe the event that happened this week. If I could draw a picture of devastation, it would consist of a balloon floating happily up to the sky to reach it's destination and then out of nowhere, it pops, and the remains come plummeting back to the earth. This week, I received news that my best friend had experienced a miscarriage. She spent 8 grueling hours in the Emergency Room, and at one point lost consciousness. She was losing so much blood that she thought for sure she was hemorrhaging. After all was said and done, she was left physically and emotionally scared. 9 weeks she had housed a growing baby. And in 8 hours, it had all ended. While this is not my story to tell, it remains (and will remain) one of the most devastating events of my life. This is someone who I would die to protect. It pains me so much to see her so hurt physically and emotionally. Yes, it's true that she and her family will one day see the meaning of this - they will see God and Mother Nature's will. But right now, it's hard to understand why this would happen to her. She is young, healthy, and has nothing but love and good fortune to bring to a new life in this world. If anything, I am confident that she will again conceive and will never suffer this traumatic event again. In the mean time, she is focusing on her. I spoke to her the other day and she was tearful - but not about what you would think. She was shedding happy tears for the things that she has been blessed with - a loving husband and an amazing child. She has the resiliency of a child - she has the ability to take this experience and tuck it away without letting it effect her in the long term. This is one of the reasons why I've always emulated her. She is one of the most emotionally strong people that I know. Not because she doesn't cry or not because she chooses not to deal with trauma. It's actually the opposite - because she feels free to cry and she deals with issues head-on. And again, I will say it - pregnancy is not for the weak.

I'm not going to lie. I've been feeling some sort of survivor's guilt in the passing days. Asking myself, "Why didn't this happen to me?" And before I ask that question too much, I can't forget that it still could happen to me. There is nothing written in law that makes me immune to a miscarriage at this point. So I'm going to keep trucking on with my acid reflux, stomach bloat, cramping, and exhaustion. Because of those symptoms, I know our little peanut is trucking on, too.




Our Little Fetus

How's that for a milestone? This week, you've moved from being referred to as an embryo to an actual fetus. Your facial features are becoming more distinct and you have tiny muscles forming. Your father and I are anxiously awaiting our first doctor's appointment with you next week. You'll be 10 weeks old by then and hopefully we will be able to take a listen at your heart. And if not, there's always the fetal heart monitor that your mama just rented:) $24.00 a month is not a bad price to pay to get the reassurance of hearing that precious heartbeat. And knowing that we can hear your heartbeat now puts us one step closer to seeing your beautiful face. It's time to sign off now, sweet one. Keep growing healthy and always remember that we love you!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - 8 Weeks

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I

There are many things I have dreamed about in my life. I've dreamt about growing up. About marrying the man of my dreams and starting a family. I've wished and prayed for a best friend like no other best friend. The wake-up call is slowly hitting me. My dreams have come true. I found out this weekend that my best friend in the whole entire world, my soul mate, is expecting. And 2 days before us! How is that for a wake-up call on how blessed we are? What a dream it was to not only be pregnant together with our first children, but for it to happen again with baby number two!

And yes, we are both scared, as it is still early. You know this whole pregnancy thing is not for the weak. There are horror stories of miscarriages at 16 weeks and it makes me shiver with fear. Already 8 weeks pregnant, I feel a bond with the baby growing inside of me. I can't imagine losing this baby and how it would devastate my entire world. I am once again immersing myself in every pregnancy book I can find and every pregnancy web site I can google. Apparently, if a miscarriage were to happen at this point in pregnancy, it is to be seen as blessing. It means that the baby's genes are not forming as they should be, so mother nature steps in and ends the pregnancy while its still somewhat new. Miscarriages that happen later in the pregnancy are usually due to maternal health issues or the actual uterus, placenta, and/or amniotic sacs themselves. However, no one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen and most of the time, they are out of every one's control. So at this point the only intervention we can do is pray and pray harder. We pray that our babies are growing healthy and we continue to make good health choices. Not necessarily for us, but for the life growing inside of us. I read an article today where recently a woman found out she had cancer while she was pregnant. She opted to forgo any chemo treatment to protect the baby growing inside of her. Her baby was born 10 weeks premature and shortly after, the mother passed. Typing this makes me sad and my eyes are welling with tears. However, I'm sure that any other mother would have done the same. That's what we do - we protect our babies. We use whatever control we have to make sure our babies are safe, healthy, and well-cared for - even in utero. And we don't see it as a chore, we see it as a blessing. Because this is something we've always dreamed about - being a mother.

Symptoms

As far as nausea is concerned, I think I am feeling a bit better in that department, or I am just getting used to it. I still have that twinge of a gag reflex when I see something that doesn't look appetizing. And I'm no closer to cooking a meal that contains meat. But, I devoured some stuffed shells and baked ziti, which is a great sign! New pregnancy symptom alert: metal mouth. It's starting to go away, but for a couple weeks I had the taste of metal in my mouth. I had no idea it was a pregnancy symptom until I read it in, What to Expect When You're Expecting. And, of course, I've been lethargic and short of breath. I also remembered the importance of eating every two hours, as I got light-headed and sweaty one day this week due to low blood sugar (I hadn't eaten for 4 hours). Some good old crackers and soup cured that! And finally, I'm smiling a lot more this week - does that count as a pregnancy symptom?

You are Berry Wonderful


My little active one! Apparently, you have been down there flailing your arms and legs. Obviously, I cannot feel you moving around, but boy am I ever anxious to! You are working your way up to being an inch long, though you haven't hit that milestone yet. And, you are beginning to form taste buds. I can't wait for you to taste your nonno's famous meatballs, your mamaw's awesome enchiladas, and your grandma Schneider's amazing homemade ravioli's!

This week we've been talking a bit about what your name will be. We've got some good ideas floating out there! Also this week, your older sister keeps saying, "Baby peanut OK." We're not quite sure where she got this from, and she doesn't phrase it as a question. It's almost like she's reassuring daddy and me that you are doing just fine. Keep hanging in there my dear! We can't wait for a couple short weeks when we will get to hear the lovely tune of your heart beating. We love you!